Friday, August 18, 2006

poetry thursday on a friday...

the prompt
was to not have a prompt...
to be free,
to do what you like.

i happened to be reading
some older journals
and found scribblings
that i wrote during a very
chaotic, confusing, scary time
in my life.

i am struggling with writing this
really, because it is not only my story.
it is also my husband's story
and yet
it is the collision
of these stories
that has given me
this poem,
that has given me the life
i have had this far...

but it is his history
also...

i will leave it at this--
he had a harder than average childhood
losing a younger sister to cancer at a young age
and then he reacted in a way that got
him into trouble quite a bit with
authority figures...

and then
we met.
he moved in with me the second night.
i got pregnant.
he found out he was going to jail.
for two years.
i cried.
i went to court with him.
i had the baby without him there
although he desperately wanted to be.

and then he came home
and lived with me
and we have been
who we are ever since...
i knew the night i met him
he was the one.

but that is not what this poem is
about...
this poem is about the struggle
i felt within myself
through the two years he was gone...
being a new mom,
living in my parent's house again,
torn and confused and scared...


i am struggling like hell
to find myself
struggling with myself
to remain calm
struggling within the eye
of my own hurricane
struggling with sanity
struggling to
remain
myself in myself
form inside form
fact or fiction
abnormal against the norm
and yet...
inside i am screaming
seething, biting,
fighting
tooth and nail.
outside
i am bitter
but my insides
are frail.

10 comments:

Deb R said...

"I am bitter
but my insides
are frail."


That's a perfect ending - rings so clear and true.

wendylou who? said...

You once found similarities between you and I...now its my turn. We aren't exactly the same..but we do share key elements.
I admire your poem. As for the time spent going it alone, I think it is a way of showing us..that YES we CAN. It was sad, uncomfortable and scary..but doable. In fact, it was done. Nothing comes from can't. and everything good starts with CAN. Soon comes WILL..and then DID....and the sweet grateful feeling of thankfulness..when the storm is over and you can relax in love. Very nice post.

January said...

Yes, it's hard to stay upright when everything seems to be knocking you down.

These lines resonate for me

"struggling to
remain
myself in myself"

Reminds me of Mark Strand's "Keeing Things Whole."

When I have those struggles, I try to remember that the only way out is through. And I blog. :)

Superhero Activist said...

the essence of the struggle for truth is so well captured in your words.

"struggling to/ remain/ myself in myself/ form inside form/ fact or fiction"

I've been there, I'm still there. It seems like a neverending struggle at times, a battle to the death that takes so much energy, so much thought. I'm still not able to bring into focus the line that dilineates fact from fiction. At times, I wonder if it's simply all a farce.

But as you rage, you retreat, you struggle and sigh...be gentle with yourself. Words far easier to give than to live by, I know.

The structure, the repetition, the word selection all work together to create a tone of simultaneous defensive and offensive struggles; a fight for survival.

The way the lines are broken into small intervals works so well with the overall feel of the poem.

Excellent job.

liz elayne said...

struggling to find myself within myself

i love the short lines that convey that very feeling.
thank you for sharing these pieces of yourself. of you past that make you who you are in this present. i wish i could take that scared girl out for tea and tell her that it is all going to be okay and that she does become that amazing woman she hoped to be (because she has been her all along).

melba said...

I love the way you write.

acumamakiki said...

I loved this. Loved. This. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Colorsonmymind said...

Those two years must have been very challenging.

The poem shows all your strength.

Hugs

Stuntmother said...

That you are here and writing poetry is a song to your strength and the love around you and in you. This was powerful, as are you.

beth said...

Very good, and thank you.