breath in, breath out...

this is a hectic time of year
for everyone i'm sure
but again this year,
i'm feeling particularly stressed
because not only is it Christmas
and i am
not
prepared...but it is also my
wedding-editing-crunch-time of year
and i am extra stressed...

add in 16 in Maritime Idol

{feel free to go vote for her...she'd really appreciate it!}

and responsibilities for the office party
and you get a bit of a time bomb waiting to blow.

so reading things like this
and this
and thinking about what my perfect playlist would be
makes me feel better,
makes me feel less
alone...

deep breaths...concentrate on the important things...
the little things,
the things that matter,
the things you can control.

let go of the rest.

1001 posts

i have posted here
1001
times...
this blows my mind.

i have coming here,
to this page,
cutting open veins
and untying knots,
analyzing, compromising
promising, listing
loving and hating
wishing and missing
since
april 2005.

oh.
and have you seen this?

{speaking of wishing...}

sigh

til debt do us part...

i am reading

til debt do us part

and was surprised by
some of the questions
she suggests you ask yourself...

things like
what matters to you
what to you want...what do you dream
what makes you happy
what is the one thing you feel defines who YOU are
who do you respect...and why
where do you wish you were in your life
what do you think the future holds

i spent about two hours on this on Saturday morning,
tucked up warm in bed
with a mug of sugary cinnamony tea
and thought about these questions.

i have been struggling to get to the page
{pretty obvious by the scarcity of my posts}
and want to get back in the saddle, back on track
get going again
and thought i might use this as a bit of
jumping point...
something that i can look back on
and hopefully
see how far i have come.

two posts in one day!!

ok...

i know i already posted today but
my little girl is competing
on our own local maritime idol
and i am so proud
and wanted to share her video here...
if you like her, feel free to go vote for my girl...
i'd really really really really really appreciate it...

here is her video 



but you can go here to vote!

Thanks so much...did i mention that i really really really appreciate it!?

today i am

today... i am here...

today... i am breathing slowly
and breathing deeply
trying to find my way back
to me
again

today... i am slowly sipping
french vanilla black tea
with a handful of sugar
{quite literally, a handful}

today...i am giving feist a chance
and finding
that i like it

today...i am aware of the
leaves blowing outside my window
and that
although i know i should be
doing laundry
and getting groceries
my heart wants to stay in
this spot
by the window
daydreaming
about christmas crafts
and editing wedding photos
while listening to the
wind rattle
the window screens.

tuesday truths...

• i dropped my hand-me-down-already-cracked-can't-talk-on-it-can-only-text-on-it iphone and shattered the glass front
• the cat knocked my husband's plate of food off the cupboard...on purpose.
• i am settling into fall
• i am nervous for 16...she is participating in a local version of american idol tomorrow night...i think my heart is pounding more erratically than hers...she is as cool as a cucumber.
• i am loving this series...one episode left to go...i'm kind of sad to come to the end
• but i have started this series...i think i'm hooked.

saturday truths and sharing

it has been a good week
with some extra days off
and lots of wedding editing getting done.

i was going to come here on tuesday
and share some truths but
somehow i didn't get here until today
but i'm still going to share them...

*  i have been feeling topsy turvy up and down again
balls in the air balls on the floor scittering scattering whirling
all over the place like the red orange yellow blur of crisp leaves
blowing outside my window in a gust of wind
settling for a moment
only to get blown up and away again...
i can't settle, i can't focus, i can't stay on the track
life keeps derailing me.

sometimes with bad things, aggravating things, sad things, frustrating things
but other days,
it is with good things...
an afternoon spent at a christmas craft fair with a longtime best friend...
finding video clips online that instantly incite strong moments of nostalgia and memory,
a spicy pumpkin scented candle,
this movie
this video which totally completely absolutely blew me away...

*  i need to pick up the camera more. 
i need to pick up the pen more. 
i need to make time for me more. 
i need to pay attention.   i need to listen.
to me. 
i need to pay attention and listen to me.
i think i have something to say.

if i could stop whirling around long enough to hear it.

5 really really good things on a monday...

*  smile lines...i realized today that i love them.

*  lemon pepper

*  bright sunshine through burnt orange leaves

*  she and him christmas

*  a long drive home that allows for conversations between
me and 16 that might have never happened...stories about teachers
and plans and futures and laughter...lots of laughter.

small things...

16 asking me in the car which song it is
by damien rice
where he says why did you sing hallelujah...
she invariably teases me about my music
{she is all classic rock and punk...}
but i think i am slowly opening her mind
bit by edgy pink-hair-leather-jacket bit...

tiny cherry tomatoes...i am in love with
these tomatoes...so sweet and salty and juicy...
i ate the whole package myself...

the comforting sound of the heat kicking in...

12 sharing all of his halloween loot with his father and sister,
without even a grimace...

the promise of warm chocolate chip cookies later today...

eating egg and bacon english muffin sandwiches and talking
about our favorite christmas cartoons...and that the kids
automatically know which ones are mine...

silent sunday mornings

i have come to the conclusion
that sleeping in
on the weekend
gives me a headache.

so
here i am
sunday morning
and the sky is still dark and gray
the house sleeps
while the cat
pitter pats beside me
curious and quiet.

my head is filled with
chocolate brown boots and legwarmers over skinny jeans,
red orange and yellow leaves,
wishing i had a french vanilla cappucino,
listening to the nature station
and thinking about liz elayne's words
regarding
creating space
and looking for ways to be present in one's own life....
and they resonate with me
this desire to be present,
to notice, to breathe, to accept...
to
slow
down.

i think i will make it a priority this week.

a boy turns 12...

but he will argue that he is actually 13
and that is totally his mother's fault...
i have a habit of automatically saying
the next year
if you ask how old i am...

so right now i would say i'm 42
because...
i will be 42...
next september.

i kind of did the same thing with the kids
and now i have 12 completely messed up
arguing that he is actually 13
{which, i guess by my twisted theory, he actually would be...}
anyhow...

my boy turned 12 on saturday

hard for me to fathom...
he has a girlfriend named grace
and more cat scatches than i could count...
big brown eyes and a messy head of hair
always laughing and always talking
still always looking to his older sister for approval
the sweetest boy there will ever be.

happy birthday, 12...
i love you to pieces.

happy thanksgiving...

grateful.

my husband and kids...happy healthy funny strong smart sweet one of a kind...
my job
my house, even in it's state of constant renovation and overgrown lawn
my camera...even though when i get to a wedding, i'm almost a little embarrassed to see
that so many people have the same camera {or a much more expensive one} and i have to
take a breath and remember why i'm there...
my little hyundai accent...good on gas and easy to park
internet connections {both literally and also the connections it allows me to make...}
my health
family that i love
a great place to live...nature is only a step away in any direction
the support that my little photography business has seen over the past couple of years

i know there is so much more
but i just wanted to jump on here for a moment
and make a quick list
before i head to the couch with a movie
in my hand and a cold glass of diet coke in the other
to spend the evening with my husband and kids
after an afternoon of turkey and pie
and lot of laughing with the rest of the family.

happy thanksgiving!!
:O)

musings

sunday night
and i sit in the dim light of the computer screen
and wonder
what brings me here today...
why today
instead of yesterday
or the day before
or tomorrow even.

but today.

i went to writers workshop this morning
and left feeling
well
not as sure of myself anymore.
i left feeling vulnerable
and raw and irritable and
well...
a little broken inside.

i'm not sure what happened,
why this all came bubbling out like battery acid
but it did.
and i'm still feeling the slight but shaken after effects
leaving me angry and cold.

the girl giving the workshop was amazing,
don't get me wrong.  it had nothing at all to do with the workshop
or the people in it or the material or the location...
it was me.

it was all me.

wondering why i do this.
why i put myself out there...
what am i looking for...what do i hope to acheive.

wondering
if i want to write,
then why don't i just
write.

what am i scared of.

5 minutes to lift off...

6:47 am
almost time to run out the door
lunches in hand
and ready
to drive
into the rising sun.

5 minutes to write...
what do i want...what do i want.
i want to start coming back to the page...
any page
the blog, a journal, a scrapbook, a notebook
scribbling in the seconds that are left
before the next big thing begins.

it is two days to fall
and i am thinking of incorporating some of
mondo beyondo wishes
into one project
{although fresh in my mind is the august project
i signed up for and then only posted once...sigh}

but i'm thinking about it
and that has to say something, right?
{i have the want...i just need the time.}

it has been a long time...

i cannot beleive how long it has been since i have been here....
summer went by in a blur of weddings
and birthdays
and anniversaries and a job promotion...
but i'm feeling good
about where we are going now...
16 has started a new school
commuting back and forth with me
instead of attending our local school
and i think it was a good choice...
a fresh start is always welcome.

speaking of fresh starts,
i start a new job tomorrow in the same office
but new workload...
i'm excited and nervous all at once...

the car has been cleaned out,
the computer space has been decluttered
laundry is getting caught up
and routines are being found

so far fall has been kind to me.
:)