Saturday, November 08, 2014

i am not a juggler

yesterday i felt like hell.

15 had a toothache...turned into a root canal...
worried about how school is going for him,
behind on the photo editing
constant emails from people wondering about
scheduling a session or when will photos be done...
tired all the time...busy at work with my "real" job,
full to the brim with guilt and never-ending-nagging feelings
that i am falling behind
and i cannot catch up.

and then
i went to parent teacher interviews for 15
and they could not say any more nice things about him
if they tried...
he is funny, he is kind, he is doing ok socially,
polite, well spoken, no bad attitude, no trouble at all in class...
lack a little focus "but no more than all teenage boys do".
when i mentioned how the guidance counselor in his junior high
suggested VERY STRONGLY that he may ADHD (& yet, kept calling him by the wrong name)
the teacher that has him for 3 hours straight every morning,
5 days a week, said he just didn't see that in all...not even a little.

i felt like a weight of 6000 lbs was lifted from my heart.

i felt like people were actually really seeing him this year.
they were getting to know him.  they know he is unorganized....
they are working with him on that without tearing him down on a daily basis for it.
they encourage him and they see the good parts of him.
the parts of him that i see every day.

and it changed my whole outlook to hear that....
i came home and shared every little bit of it with him
including how when he was absent for the root canal
his teacher told me the other kids in the class kept saying
"it's not the same...15 is not here...."

:) :) :)

Saturday, November 01, 2014

things i have bullet form

  • i am not a spa person.  i love the idea of a massage...but i don't like to be touched...and i don't like having to take my clothes off.  i booked a "hot stone massage" envisioning that a) only my back would have to be bare and b) they would lay a large flat heated stone on my back.  i was so wrong.  i was a little stressed out before i got to the spa but when i was taken to a small room and asked to "remove all my clothes" and put on the white robe....i almost left.  i seriously did not know what to do...i knew that this was totally out of my comfort zone and was NOT going to be the relaxing scenario i had pictured in my head.  and...just so you know...i left my underwear on. total removal of all clothing was NOT going to happen.  then i had to go sit in the lounge again...naked! well...under a robe...but still...some poor woman came in and sat down.  i randomly blurted out (without making eye contact with her) (or saying hello) "GETTING A MASSAGE HAS TURNED OUT TO BE THE MOST STRESSFUL THING I HAVE ENDURED!".  she also did not make eye contact.  {now...i should tell you here that once i resigned myself to the fact that i was there and on the table and this was happening and i may as well let myself enjoy it...i did....especially when i realized that key parts of my anatomy remained covered by the blanket for the duration...that helped as well}  but still...not a spa girl.  too stressful.
  • i had also booked a manicure (it was a package).  God help that poor girl that got assigned for both my massage & manicure.  first i was a bundle of stressed out frayed nerves during the massage...and then the manicure ruined me.  i am not a person that is good with making choices under pressure (and by pressure, i mean being asked by someone i don't know...)  this is why i avoid places like many questions!  what kind of sub do you want, what kind of bread do you want, do you want cheese, do you want it heated, what veggies, what condiments, are you getting the cookie...jesus christ...i am a stressed out ball of sweat by the time i get to the end of that line and not even hungry anymore.  the manicure turned out to be a similar situation...starting with choosing the many choices!  all pretty!  and someone standing next to me waiting for me to make a decision which totally derails me.  Plus I overthink things.  So I am standing there trying to make a quick decision so this girl can move on with her life and stop having to deal with me and i start thinking well...what if I don't like getting a manicure and don't want to do it again (which is likely) maybe i should get a color that requires little to no maintenance...but i like the pink!...but what do i normally wear for clothes...and is pink too red too old...what is going to show less chips...ohmygod make a decision...and the poor young girl is trying to help asking me more questions which is only stressing me out more...finally i pick some beige skin colored polish and i realize as soon as we start the manicure that i hate it (no offense to the girl doing it or to anyone that likes them...they are just not for me)  i hate sitting that long, i hate someone touching my hands that long, i hate the waiting, i hate the drying, i hate that i have to be careful after....i think i kind of suck at being a girl...:)
  • today i took a long drive looking at the fall colors, drinking a maple mocha and eating gingersnaps, listening to radiohead, singing at the top of my lungs, stopping to take photos with my cell phone whenever i felt like it.  and i came home more relaxed than ever.  :)

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Back in the saddle

posting from my phone
on a half hour lunch...
is a sad show of desperation,
a blatant proof that I am lacking time
for me

and I miss it.
I miss it.

snapping instagrams of my feet
as I scurry through the work parking lot

something has to give....
I have to let go of something
to make more room for me....

Friday, June 13, 2014

friday the 13th

friday june 13th, to be exact.

june 13 will always hold a special place in my heart
but when june 13 falls on a friday,
my heart makes this squelchy, squeaky kind of sigh...
a happy/sad sigh.

june 13 makes me think of
birthday parties and sleepovers and bikes with banana seats...
popcorn and tents in the backyard
and melty butter
and plenty of salt...
washed down with purple or green kool aid
poured from the beige Tupperware pitcher,
you know the one,
with the push button cover....
the same one we once tried to mix kool aid and vodka in
until we realized at the
that it was turpentine
in a tiny vodka bottle...
we had to throw away the jug in order to hide the evidence.

june 13 on a friday
makes me think of how the birthday girl
loved horror movies
(i myself hated them and was totally a chicken about them,
even though I was the older one...instead i would constantly
crack jokes to keep myself from crying...look i am going to
beat you with the stump of my bloody arm!)...
and what better way to celebrate your birthday than to
have a Friday the 13th movie marathon
on the new VCR,
the one that came with a wired remote control...

i think about summer days spent at union corner beach
climbing on the rocks
until we literally couldn't go any further,
the bottoms of our bare feet tough from never wearing shoes...
of swinging as high as we could on the metal swing set,
that was the best swing set ever.
my dad would always come by and say we were going too high.

purple rain and bon jovi videos,
livin' on a prayer...
i don't know why she swallowed a fly, i guess she'll...
the cult and she sells sanctuary...
secrets and cherry pepsi and sharing a set of headphones
in the backseat of a chevette
after we bought the new madonna tape in moncton...
papa don't preach....

how you always laughed so easy,
i thought i must have been the funniest girl in the world...
the time i made you laugh at mcdonalds,
remember...the night of the canada day fireworks
and we were talking to Richard Brooks...
and i made you laugh
and you choked on your pop
and threw up.

then you went in the bathroom and wouldn't come out
until i told you that the old lady at the next table was
yelling at Richard for making you throw up
which made you laugh
and so you came out and i put you in a hug/headlock
and we snuck out the side door
giggling at the perplexed look on Richard's face.

barbies in masking tape bathing suits,
pretending we were dentists and making my little brother
wear wet-toilet-paper braces...
little people mansions built in the nightstands by your bed...
the easter that it stormed and the power went out
and your family was storm-stayed at my house
and we each wore one of my rainbow striped roller skates
and skated back and forth from the bathroom
to my bedroom.

the first time i went on a date,
i made you come with me.

there are so many things that make me think of you.
in a happy/sad way.
we were going to buy fieros (red for you, purple for me)
and move to new york
and live across the street from each other...
you in your red house, me in my purple house.

i try not to think about the times that we argued,
the times that i was mean to you...
i try not to think about the night i knew i would never see you again.

happy birthday, rockin' robbie piper,
come and see me sometime...
i'll be watching for you.

Monday, May 19, 2014

on the other side...

it's monday morning
and not only do i have the day off
but i am the only person at home.

i cannot remember the last time
i have been the only person home.

early morning yoga
a gray cloudy day
the heater pointed straight at my back
the pug snoring in his basket
while cowboy junkies play in the background...
lemon flavored ice water and
a new journal.

it's been a good morning.
and it's only 9:30.

i feel like we are finally
on the other side
of what has been a very long and hard winter.

i have been doing the "give your dreams wings" e course
and this morning i thought about
what are my dreams?
what do i want to accomplish?
and i narrowed it down to 7.

and then i thought about each of them in terms of
which ones are do-able right now to some extent,
which ones cause me to feel the most excited,
what kind of steps would i be able to break them down to.

and it really made me think...especially since my first one
was that i would like to have something published somewhere...
and when i really pictured what this looked like for me,
it had nothing to do with money at all.
i just want to write something that i am proud of,
that one person might say to me
"i really liked that."

and i realized that it is no longer the top item on my list.
which was surprising to me.

what is on the top of my list right now is to
take the photography business to the next level.
which is not only do-able
but necessary.
and i think it will make some of the other things fall in line for me.

and robots.
robots are still making me feel very excited.

Monday, May 05, 2014

give your dreams wings....

May might have brought me snow
but it also brought me
longer daylight hours...
which i really, really needed
desperately, actually.
i have gotten more done
in the past two weeks
than it feels like i have all winter.
i am reading...and writing...
making plans and answering emails.
Getting the laundry done,
cleaning the house, walking the dog,
little bits of yoga
and laying on the deck in my pajamas
soaking up sunlight.
and i started an e-course!
it was free (which right now, it would have to be for me
to be able to take it) and it is being given by the
amazing andrea shroeder...
it is called "give your dreams wings"
and you should totally
go check it out...
right now.
i used some of my christmas gift cards
and bought a new journal...
i wasn't sure about it at first...
(i was looking for graph paper and spiral bound)
but i am enamoured.
i have fallen in love.
i might have to go buy another one
so that i am not tempted to hoard this one.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

cyclones running through my head

i have been up since 6 am
on a saturday morning
(you weren't here)
(my feet were cold)
(i can't get warm by myself)...

the sun is shining
and i have done the dishes
and started the laundry
and opened the bills
that made me feel sick
and panicky
and ill.

i rollercoaster between emotions...
we can do this,
it will get better,
we've done it before...
oh my god.
how did this happen.
how do we get out of this hole.
where is the light
at the end of the tunnel...
we've been in worse spots
(have we really?)

and then i force myself to breathe slower.
this is not the end of the world.
what is the worst that could happen?
no one is sick.
we are all healthy and happy and
we laugh really hard at least once a day...

so the water in the basement may have made the
furnace sound a lot louder than it should.
so the bills are mounting.
the snow is also melting, too
and the pug is sleeping in a basket at my feet.
the kids have both gotten jobs
S is ready to take on new things for the summer,
weddings will be starting soon.

this will pass.
this will pass.
this will pass.

someday i will look back and think remember when.

Saturday, April 05, 2014

saturday and it's snowing again

in my corner of the world::

a little bit of snow but calling for warm temperatures the rest of the week
so i'm ok with that.

i posted this status on facebook last night

remember when you were a kid and you would just lay on your bedroom floor and listen to your mixed tapes really loud and sing along even though you really couldn't sing very well ( all) but you lived in the country so no one could hear you but your family and they loved you anyway...and it would get dark outside and instead of turning a light on, you would just watch the equalizer on the ghettoblaster light up...that's what i feel like doing tonight.

and i was completely surprised by the response it got...
and even more so...
that 90% of the likes were from girls.
did boys not sing along with the radio?

my girl did a "like for TBH" on facebook...
if you have teens or pre-teens, you will know that this means
like the status and get a response that starts with "to be honest"...

to be honest, i was not expecting a tbh back from her.
to be honest, the tbh i did get back almost made me cry.

Tbh; you're a weird, quirky, muppet/sesame street/dr seuss/smurf loving woman. You've given me some pretty cool qualities; wicked sarcasm, being able to be a hard ass when I need to, strength, a cynical sense of humor, and mega creativity. You've also given me some not so rad ones; like that whole weird person magnet thing, and getting myself into totally weird and awkward situations, but that usually makes for a good story afterwards so I suppose that's okay.  


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

it's a blizzard out there... far they have called this one right...

40 to 50 cms to come...
hurricane force winds...
the tub is full of water in case the power goes out
and i have got a full case of diet coke.

one kid is playing playstation,
one is singing her heart out
joan jett fashion...
S is studying and now that i am done working from home for the day
i am thinking i might settle down
with some 
unabridged sylvia plath
or a journal and pen
and light a candle
even if we do still have power

and listen to wind rage outside the windows

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Getting it done.

where have i been?

I have been getting it done.

I have tasks that I have been putting off for far too long
and it has
been weighing me down.

Over the past couple of weeks,
I have been working on those tasks,
breaking them down into smaller
bite sized chunks
to get it done.

Every day I am a little closer to the end.
Every day I feel just a little bit lighter.

I am crossing things off my to do list...
I am trying to get headaches under control...
seeing my dr...scheduling physio...maybe a
something has got to give.
or i will.

So that's where I have been...
that and laying low while the lull from wedding photography
and editing is soon enough, it will be full speed ahead again
and I will be back to logging many hours in front of the computer...

But for now, I'm content to catch up on some:
  • reading...after reading the goldfinch and being mildly unsatisfied with it, I picked up a lighter, quicker read next.  I read Divergent (which is pretty much a teen novel similar to Hunger Games) and could. not. put. it. down.  I am on the second in the series now...but starting to lose interest.
  • watching....i have started watching the Parenthood series and am kind of loving it.  I am on season one right now and I know I have watched some of these before but I am enjoying them all over again.  And even better is that I have kind of sucked my 18 year old daughter into watching them, is nice to have something to watch with her that doesn't require me to either cover my eyes due to gore or to blush profusely due to crude sex jokes.  
  • coveting...these you see these boots?  i need these boots.  drool.
  • considering new hair....wishing i could afford a new look....

Saturday, March 01, 2014

the orange float


thursday was a funny day.

i was supposed to meet a client at a local coffee shop
to deliver her wedding photo discs
at 7 pm.

i got home from work at 3:30
and thought i would play a quick game of candy crush
(sideline::is there any such thing as a QUICK game of candy crush? who am i trying to fool)
as i was playing, i started to get the feeling that the bottom
corner of the screen was funny, like i couldn't see it right...
i looked away from the game and noticed a bit of a spot
in my vision, passed it off thinking i must have looked at something bright
but then, seconds later, did not look at something bright.
please don't let this be a migraine aura.
please don't let this be a migraine aura.
which, of course, it was.
i quickly got some medication
fumbling with the cap because, by this time,
my vision was becoming really distorted
and then i went to bed and tried to breathe calmly
and remember what the doctor told me to do...
"just relax and enjoy the light show".
not so easy to do.

and then i got the headache.

luckily, it did not last as long as i feared
and i was ready to meet the client at 7:30.
i rush to the coffee shop and as i pull up,
i notice what looks like a gang of old-timers standing around
out front...
a girl with a nest of hair piled high up on top of her head,
wearing pajama pants tucked into her winter boots
is stomping around
someone give me an effing cigarette.
and i start to think that location may have been a bad choice.

i go inside and the place is packed...with more old timers
and more people in pajama pants and winter boots...
it is loud and chaotic and, maybe it is the headache medication
and remnants of the migraine, but i start to feel a little
twilight zone-ish...i come to this coffee shop all the time,
it is never like this.

my client messages and tells me she is running a few minutes late.
it's ok, i tell her...there are lots of entertaining characters around tonight.
then i regret the message, thinking she is not going to know what i'm talking about.

she comes in and i give her the discs.
she gets ready to leave but there are two men
in between the two doors she needs to go through to get out.
she looks back at me with a helpless look
while one old guy calls out
"g'wan out, dear!  they're just wrasslin'!  they won't hurtcha!"
meanwhile, one man has the other in a chokehold.

she gets out and i send her a quick message
"my message about entertaining characters probably makes a lot more sense now, heheh"

i decide to order a coffee to go...
one of the children of the pajama clad party
orders after me...his mother comes over to see what he's doing...
i am about to smile at him
when he looks at his mother and says,
"if he ever brings my fucking coffee..."
i blink.
he's like 10.
his mother says " he comes now with your order" in an sing-song way...
the clerk is actually bringing me my coffee.
i avoid eye contact with angry child and hurry out to my car.

i have one more stop to make.
i have been instructed by the family at home to pick up 4 orders of fries from wendy's.
being the thoughtful wife that i am, i think i will get my husband a float...
he loves them.
the following conversation then occurs and i become certain that i AM in the twilight zone:
me:  do you have orange floats?
her:  yeah, they're not on the menu but we can still make 'em.  what kind d'ya want?
me:  an orange float
her:  what size?
me:  large
her:  what kind of pop do you want?
me:  (a little taken aback but not much)  oh...i'll have orange
her:  yeah...but what kind of pop do you want?
me:  (perplexed)  um...i'll have orange
her:  ok....but what kind of pop do you want?
me:  (at this point i start wondering if i am being i missing something here?  i am ordering an orange float...where could the problem be?  i even start to think that maybe i have ordered combos instead of just fries and she thinks i want pop with them...)  do you mean for in the float? i ask
her:  y-eah (starting to get snarky with me...really?  with me?), you can have any kind of pop you want in it
me:  (at this point, i start to's so odd that it's become ridiculous and because i don't know what else i am supposed to do/say at this point) ummmm...but an orange float would just be orange pop and vanilla ice cream, right?  (i'm starting to second guess myself at this point...maybe it's made with orange ice cream and maybe you CAN put any kind of pop you want in it)
her:  uh...y-eah (this is said in the tone that also implies "you dumbass")
me:  i'll have orange pop then.

was a weird, weird day.

i should also mention here that then she rang the order in wrong and
said she always had trouble ringing in the floats but luckily tim (who looked
like he was about 6) was working and he knew how to do it.

and tim pipes up loudly to say " is pr-et-ty sim-ple"


Saturday, February 15, 2014

#This Life {365 project}

 a photo a day
taken on my cell phone...
looking to find some balance in my life.

 and.....I am done editing!!  for this season :)

 the days are getting longer...

 dr phil and editing...

 there's a funny story behind this...

  he says happy heart day...

  a pug, a mom and a boy...

i heart saturdays...

Friday, February 14, 2014

a truth about today

This moment::

the sky a palette
of varying shades
of blues and fluffy whites
sunshine glitters on car windshields
and the white windmills keep
pulling at my focus
and tugging at my train of thought--
I am adrift in a hum of silence

Sunday, February 09, 2014

sunday best...and a bit of a rotten day....

feeling a little off this morning...
had a rough day yesterday
after a stressful morning
involving 3 am incoherent texts
and a bruise that should never have happened

it is hard to know where to step in
where to draw lines
what decisions are mine
and which ones are hers to make.

it is hard to separate my own past experiences
from hers,
i know that i am filtering what happened
to her
and mixing it up with old memories of how i felt
when it happened to me

and i can't do that.
this is not what happened to me.
this is what happened to her.
she is not me.
she is so much stronger and mouthier and sure of herself.
i was so quiet and apologetic and forgiving and passive.

i need to be here for her no matter what
but i can't make this decision for her.
i cannot tell her she can't see him anymore.
she is not me.
she will make better decisions than i did, i think.
but even i eventually had enough.
but each person has to decide
is enough
for them.

had my parents known, had they tried to step in,
it would have changed nothing.
i was determined that it was ok, that it was my fault,
that if i could just "be better"...
less whiny, less crying, less taking things to heart,
more organized, more fun, more aware of the triggers that might set him off...
then this wouldn't happen.
if i could "be better" things would get better.

but eventually,
it was enough.
but i had to figure that out in my own time.
not what i meant to write here today.

a little bit of sunday best...

Friday, February 07, 2014

friday i'm in love

this time with a list
and no links...
slapdash and quick and dirty...
well, not...dirty...heh.

post it notes
colored pens
cold diet coke in a can
bright yellow canola fields
geese flying overhead
flocks of tiny birds flying in formation
the smell of permanent markers
making someone laugh
marshmallow bananas
wonton soup
ice cream in a waffle cone
miniature toys
singing in the car
watching thunderstorms (but only if i'm in a car)
a good book to get lost in
retro vintage advertising
green life saver suckers
board games
free time to myself