the longest
i have ever
been away
from here.
and i feel it.
i am wound too tight
i am swimming in my stress levels
and breathing in my
own battered self confidence.
today started with kind of a rotten morning
with the realization that my
self confidence is very, very easily shaken
and makes me wonder
why that is
and is it only in my abilities with the camera
that i feel that way
or is it hiding in other aspects of my life...
today's did revolve around the camera
but opened other questions for me...
part of me wants to stop doing weddings,
stop doing family photos,
stop doing any photos for money
and
just
go
back
to doing
it
for me
again.
back to when it was fun.
it used to be how i relaxed.
somewhere along the way,
that changed.
i need to really think about this...
what i do know is that today,
when i thought i was going to throw in the towel
and not take on any more weddings
besides what I am already committed to---
i felt a huge sigh of releif
and the weight of the world lifting off me.
time could be mine again.
photography could be fun again.
that warrants some serious consideration.
Posts
4 comments:
I feel like that too, when I'm away from my blog too long. And I love your photos...
I have been away from my blog for a while. Oh, I've been posting from time to time, but without my usual heart in it. I want to be back, though. I miss it. I miss all of you.
i considered for awhile doing portrait photography because everyone said i should and because my photos of my girls were so good, and i stressed over it and then i thought no.....i want to pick up the camera when the muse hits and not because i have to...
Ok, now this time, I could have written the whole post. Word for word.
I still feel this. Especially when it comes to weddings.
And yes! All it takes is one experience to send you reeling, so that you never want to pick up your camera again. At least not for anyone but yourself.
Weddings. sigh. grumble.
I did two last summer and I have another two (possibly a third) booked for this summer. And the only reason I am doing them is because they pay well. They are so exhausting and stressful, and the editing time? Oh my god. Did I mention they were stressful? I know a day is coming, and it's not far off, when I will turn away from them.
I am fiercely protective of my photography business. I never EVER want it to feel like work. I want to do portraits because I love doing portraits, and because it is another creative outlet. This is why I don't advertise. I get jobs as they come in through word of mouth, and that way I can pace myself, do one job at a time, and enjoy them. But weddings are a whole other can of worms. (maybe worms wasn't the best choice of words when it comes to weddings?)
Sorry for all the rambling. I know just how you feel. Perhaps if we only take on a little bit, only as much as we feel we can keep a good balance... maybe that is the solution? And also making sure that we go out and take photos just for ourselves a good deal of the time. (Your one photo a day challenge is starting to look kind of good. hm.)
End of ramble.
sorry.
Post a Comment