Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Five minute thoughts at the end of my lunch break....

I thought that as I got closer to 40
things were going to get easier.

I thought I was going to be self assured and confident
strikingly indifferent to what other people thought of me....
I thought that worry and stress and anxiety attacks
were going to melt into my thirtysomething past.

But
I was wrong.

Money is tight, work is uncertain,
14 going on 15 has developed an anxiety issue
so large we have been seeing someone
and had to medicate her...
I don't know what to do anymore...
I am not sure of any choices/decisions/thoughts that I have...

I am second guessing the credibility of my photography...
Second guessing my positioning, my editing, no longer trusting my own opinion of what looks good.

I spend the day feeling like sham,
A wisp of an impression that could blow away
on a breath of wind....
That could topple any second
Silently as a house of cards.

6 comments:

Char said...

i think these issues are in any artist's head...if not i wonder how much they really think about art. i think it is part of the process to worry and wonder. i do. but...the good news is thate we're here to support, lend an ear (eye) and band together in the community of this artworld/ blogworld. so i'm sending you my love and prayers.

spread your wings said...

i know some of these feelings and can relate. like Char said i think it's part of being an artist.
your work is beautiful to me - photography and your writing.

Kamana said...

i can relate to some of these. i hope you are feeling in better spirits soon.

Imelda said...

A little prayer is going out for you, for your girl, that the clouds will pass over and you'll get a ray of sunshine to lift these feelings soon.

laundrygirl said...

breathe...
You have grown in ways you may not know or realize. I can empathize because I just turned 41 and thought life would feel more settled by now. I am seeing that it isn't and may not ever be but I am learning to deal and to go on the journey, no matter how difficult. You hold more strength than you know. Just breathe.

Relyn said...

The pain of a hurting child is like no other. I will be thinking of her and you; thinking and praying.