i thought i would but then...

i thought i would get out early this morning,
jump on the treadmill,
do seven loads of laundry,
shoot out the door, camera in hand...
i thought i would make a meal plan,
buy groceries,
get 10's haircut,
buy an amazing gift for 14 to give her
boyfriend-of-one-year yesterday for their big date tonight.

i thought i would
but instead
i ended up making grilled cheese sandwiches
for 10 and his friend
after they burnt the first one to a crisp.

and i had to take a nap with tylenol in hand
after a major headache happened while on the treadmill.

and i ended up holding 14 after she screamed out in fear
following an intense anxiety attack
and she sat on my knee and let me stroke her hair
and mumble unerring reassurances into the
top of her bleachblonde sweet head.

i sat on the couch with 14 and her cousin
watching the described video format of a bad movie
because they thought the description was amusing
and i didn't want to stray too far from 14.

i stole 15 minutes on the step in the sun to read
a little of my book and breathe in the fresh cut grass air
and now, i am typing this willynilly while i wait for
14 to get ready for her big date so i can drop her off,
get 10's haircut and buy groceries all the span of
an hour and a half...

but this is good, this is fine.
i am reminded all the time that there will be more moments
of them
not needing me
to come...
and that i should be here, be present
for the moments they still do.