Wednesday, December 31, 2008

breaking point...


i didn't mean to be gone for so long...
but christmas happened
and so did a bad cold
and then
my uncle died suddenly...

i was supposed to give a reading
today
and as i stood up
and read the first line
about the influence one can have on others
my throat closed over
and i literally
could not
speak.

i stood there
staring at the paper
and willing
the words
to come
out
knowing that if i looked
up into that crowd that is my family
and met my mother's eyes
i would not be able to go on...
i would dissolve.

so i stood
staring at the words
and physically
forcibly
tried to force them
from my throat.

eventually
they came unstuck
and although i wavered
and floundered a bit
i made it to the end.

i have never had that happen before.

my big brash uncle
full of teasing and wheezy laughter...
full of family history and stories
and memories of how it was back then...
driving by to check on my garden,
calling me with tips to keep the birds away
from my new little seeds,
trading secrets
and
plans.

and to see my mom...
so sad.
so
very
sad.

and yet
part of me
still
does not believe...
does not
want
to believe.

and so it goes.
and so it will always go.

13 comments:

Sabrina said...

I´m so sorry for you! That makes me sad... May he RIP.

Kate said...

It takes a long, long time for it all to sink in.

Give yourself the time.

Blessings.

liz elayne said...

dear friend,
i am so sorry to read these words. i am thinking of you and your family and sending you all peace and love today.

much love,
liz

Deirdre said...

I'm so sorry. My love to you and your family. xoxo

ELK said...

oh my, how tender these words made me feel and how I know the hurt that pounds inside of you ~sorry for your loss, happy that the word came and you were able to speak...your last two lines ...so true..blessings and take care...

Nat said...

Such sadness... as I offer my sympathies to you and to your family.

Andie said...

Oh hon, I am so very, very sorry. I thought you were just busy christmasing and all.
These words of yours cut straight to the heart. Poignant and beautiful just like you. Take some time for yourself right now. Fill the well.

xxooo,
a.

chocolate covered musings said...

sorry to hear about your uncle honey.

sending you big squeezy hugs over the seas

xo

ELK said...

how are you doing? ~I know this is a hard time...just checking in

daisies said...

oh honey, i am so sorry for you and your family's loss ... thinking of you, sending you a warm hug and lots of love, xo

robin bird said...

this is my first visit and i did not want to read this most beautiful post about your uncle, your pain and your mom's sadness without saying i'm sorry for him and for you. sending a hug from and unknown strangers but no less warm for that.
robin

Vanessa said...

i'm so sorry, friend. my condolences and warm hugs to you. Vx

Lori said...

i’m so sorry for your loss. sending you warm thoughts.