today you turn ten...

you are now in the double digits...
you are now a tween...

i am now no longer the mother of a nine year old...
i am the mother of a tween...

your first birthday
we had them write "happy birthday, onionhead"
on your cake
because you had cradle cap
and your head was always "peeling"...

now you call yourself "e-girl"
and you have abandoned your previous love of all that was pink
(when you were two i taught you to say "i don't like pink"
but you embraced pink with both chubby little arms
along with flowery dresses and glitter lipstick)
now you like red and black
and punk
and jack black
and red hot chili peppers
and twisted sister
and skulls and crossbones...

you are confident and at ease,
mature
and sarcastic-in-a-subtly-biting-way...
you can take it or leave it...
you aren't pushy or bossy
but you don't let anyone walk all over you either...
you love to read
especially archie comics...
you have been drawing your own "pin-ups" and "gag-bags"

you came to me today and said
that you didn't feel any different?
i said to come here, that we needed to check something...
i sat you on my knee
with the sad realization that it has been
a long time
since you have sat on my knee
and said "there. you still fit"
you smiled.
i asked you if you remembered when we used to say that,
when i used to reassure you that you would always be able
to fit on my knee
and you reassured me
that you remembered...

i thought about the time
i was putting you to bed
and you started crying at four
because you didn't want to grow up
and get married
and move out...
that you wanted to live with us forever...
and i assured you that you could
and that your husband could too if he wanted to...
and i wondered if your ten year old head still thought
the same thing
or if you were beginning to get that
"when i get out of here...." mindset at all...

i read little papers and notes you leave laying around
sometimes..i know i shouldn't but
i can't help myself
and no matter how angry you are with me
i have yet to find something bad written about me...
instead i find little sad or angry faces...

i can't beleive its been ten years today
that i was in the hospital having you...
ten years since i was that anxious, confident, nervous, mature
twenty four year old
with a boyfriend in jail
and no money
and back to living at my parents
having a baby...
i knew then that this was the right thing to do
and i was right
even though many people tried to convince me of otherwise...
i looked at you once and thought
what if i had done what my boss at the time suggested
and had an abortion
i feel sick just thinking about it...
no onionhead...
no.
i did the right thing.

so...
all in all...
happy birthday onionhead
you were and are one of the best things
to ever happen to me...