Sunday, March 03, 2013

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking

1 comment:

Amanda Fall - Sprout editor said...

Oh, how well I know this feeling. It's so easy to get caught up in everyone else's story--valid & beautiful & helpful as they are (and they ARE)--while our own story gets lost in the shuffle. Just remember that sometimes your "can I" has to come before the "I can." None of that wondering is lost effort. You're on your way. Sending love to you today!