Sunday, February 03, 2013

bite sized baby step decisions...

i'm trying to make a decision.

and it is weighing on me...heavily.

it has occurred to me a number of times
over the past couple of days
that i need to make a decision about this.


it's not really that it is a big anyone except me.
chances one else would even really notice....

but i would.

i have kept this blog for almost 8 years.
and, although, it is not a secret blog (i post photos of myself on it)
i don't usually offer it up to people that know me...
i don't link to it on facebook,
i don't use my name in it,
i call my kids by their ages not their names.
i have always liked that little bit of anonymity.
i know there are people i know that have found it
and at first, that was a little disconcerting for me...
but the truth is
i don't put anything on here that might get me in trouble...
i don't rant and rave, i don't talk badly about family or work...
really...i'm pretty narcissistic on here...
it's all about me.

but the truth is
it has occurred to me
that if i am so hung up about people reading my writing
how am i ever going to write anything for others to read.
is this a block that is going to hold me back
or HAS been holding me back?
and why do i feel so physically sick about it.
i think that because it feels irrevocable to me...
once done, it can't be undone
at least...not with this blog...i mean...sure...
i could start a new one somewhere and
start all over again...
but i don't really want to do that...

and a part of it comes back to that old
"i don't want to be the weird kid" feeling.
it's funny how long you hold onto things like that.

i'm conflicted.
so for the time being...maybe i can take baby steps.
maybe i can be ok with my photography blog
linking to my personal blog
(which is really what started all this in the first place...)
(that and whether or not to link to it on Pinterest....)

and i realize as i look for labels to attach to this post
that my word for the year is
after all...
and that kind of hits me hard.
and makes me nod.
and think that maybe it really is time to take that step.

if all my gut-twisting issues stay this small and insignificant,
i will be grateful...
thanks for sitting through this


Optimistic Existentialist said...

Baby steps are always good :) I look forward to following your journey through those baby steps :)

Bridget said...

I've always been eager to see more of your photography and I wrestle with the same notion of what's public enough to foster interest versus what I need to keep private. And we've had this discussion when we talked about taking our online friendship to IRL and I backed out at the last second because at the end of the day the privacy seemed more important. Does it still? Perhaps, but on the other hand feeling isolated, dislocated from the sort of all-in 'naked' presence without feeling the need to censor, mask or sanitize is even tougher. I wish you luck. You seem very brave to me! XO

Caroline said...

Oh I am glad you found me again. I loved this post. It's OK to be conflicted (shhh...I feel that way too A LOT). Be brave and do what feels right. xo

Relyn Lawson said...

I get this. I love how our words match, too, but that's an aside. I say, jump in. Be brave. I want more of you, I know. I bet your in-person friends will too.