Saturday, October 30, 2010

it's no secret...but there is a revelation

i don't think it's been a secret that i've been
a little lately

with family issues
with money issues
doubting myself in so many
of my life...
as a mother
as a wife
as a daughter
as a photographer
as a friend
as a person
as an artist
as a writer
as a blogger

i'm not sure what i am going through.

somedays it feels like adolescence

i'm not sure who i am
i'm not sure where i'm going
i feel like every day i'm putting on a new face
and wondering
is this me? is this who i am.
is that what i represent?
is this where i'm going?

i feel like i am on a roller coaster of emotion
and for the first time in my life
the lows have been
extremely fucking low.
low like i don't think i can get out of bed.
low like the feeling of suffocation.
and i can't breathe.
and disconnect.
like i just don't want to think anymore.
like i just can't think anymore.
like i just don't want to care anymore.

yesterday felt like a turning point for me.

a culmination of rotten-ess eventually saw me
running up the stairs in tears an hour before my son's
birthday party feeling like a failure feeling like i suck as a mom
and throwing myself on my bed in hot angry uncontrollable tears
and then bursting into tears on the way to walmart
and again at the checkout.

but then.
the revelation.
which came when my brother and his wife got here
and one of my best childhood friends
and as the party went on
i realized
it didn't matter.

i realized that when i let go of the picture in my head
of how the party should be
when i let go of all the reasons it couldn't be the party
my mind thought it should be
when i let go of thinking of how other people might think
the party should be
and just let the kids, namely the party...
it would be ok.
there were balloons and noise and music and utter chaos
there was laughter.
so much laughter...and conversations shouted out above
the balloon warfare...and stories told...and chocolate cake.

and i realize now
that i have to let go a little.
that i am killing myself with my own expectations of myself.
that i am suffocating myself.
i am doing this.
no one else is doing it to me.
i am doing it.

so today.
saturday october 30 2010
i am making a pact with myself
to ease up.
to let go.
to laugh a little more
and stress a lot less.

{and if you have made it through this long post to
the end, i am wondering if anyone else has felt this way at 40?
is this what mid life crisis is?
i would love to hear from anyone that might
recognize themselves in this...
if only to justify my own behavior to myself
and know that i am not losing my mind.}


Wild Plum Cottage said...

I felt like that through my 30's and it peaked at about 40. Then it got a lot better. Some of us are hard on ourselves and it's a life-long struggle to just ease up a bit.

Bridget said...

I wish I could give you a hug. The doubt is normal though, and from what everyone tells me it is completely a mid-life crisis. I don't know if they are right but it feels very strange and incredibly disappointing to me to feel like I'm still that awkward teenage trying to pretend to fit in and do everything right and do well at all of the things that must be done. I just withdraw but you seem to be plowing right though the middle of it so there is something to be said for that, dear heart.

spread your wings said...

i can relate to a lot of this at 50. i guess it can hit anyone at anytime. i think we expect too much out of ourselves sometimes and it's good to just let go. you're doing that and it will get better i'm sure.