Saturday, June 12, 2010

stream of conciousness and realizations...


i have never been a sad person.
never down in the dumps for long,
never depressed,
always easy going and looking for the silver lining.

but lately.

lately
i don't know what is wrong with me.

i'm down.
i'm lethargic.
i'm sad.
i'm blue.
i'm empty.
i'm doubting myself.

and today
i forced myself to get up off the couch
and read a little of
writing down the bones
which inspired me to pick up a pen
and in doing so,
i think i may have come to some realizations.

i think the photography business
impacted me much more than i ever realized.
i think that, while i enjoyed doing it last summer,
and while i loved the attention my photos were getting,
i also got scared.

i'm not good with expectations, with judgements,
with deadlines and guidelines and restrictions.
it makes me shut down.
it makes me not want to do it anymore.

and to be honest, with my new job, i really don't have time
to do it anymore like i was...
which doesn't mean i don't want to do it anymore,
i just want to cut back which i thought would make me
happy because it would mean that i could pick and choose
what i wanted to do. i could charge what i want...or nothing
if i want. i could let go and just do it for me without the restraints
of "doing it for a living".

but what sucker punched me
is this strong permeating feeling of
failure
that i am feeling.
of not being good enough.
of not making it.
{even though it was my choice to slow down.}
but i feel guilt, shame, embarrassed
and i have not picked up my camera in months.

this is what i need to come to terms with.
this has been MY choice. i didn't fail.
i CHOSE this route, this way, this path.
i chose it.
i have to let go of whatever bad feelings about this
that have been dragging me down
because they
are
sucking
the life
out of me.

and secondly.
i stopped writing here. i stopped writing period.
i stopped the morning pages. i stopped scribbling.
i stopped reading blogs because everything i read
made me feel inadequate and reiterated that i was not
able to do it all.
but i realize...i need to write.
and i need to write here.
and i need feedback from people who may have some sense
of what i am talking about, i need to be able to spew and vent
and release without censoring my words for fear that
those that "know" me will think i am losing my mind.

i don't need someone to fix me,
but i do need somewhere to drop the pretenses,
to let down the safety guards
and open the floodgates...
and i need to find my way back to where i was...
when everything was fun
and possible
and bright and ideas made me happy.

8 comments:

Char said...

there is so much of this i could have written. i've stopped myself from charging because i didn't want the pressure of clients judging me. for the longest time i didn't update my etsy. yes, my job cuts down on my photography time.

you are always safe with me - i admire honesty.

Wanda said...

I hear you and I understand from the inside out.

Nat said...

The Fear is the thing isn't it? I find that the harder I try to fit my square peg of a self into a round hole, the more miserable I become.

Be true to you... scary but hard.

lakeviewer said...

Hi. I came in from Relyn, liking your poem so much, wanting to tell you how appreciative I am to find those words of yours.

What you are going through right now, happens to be the human mode of handling our mixed emotions, wanting to explore, to try new vistas and skills, and feeling a pang of indecision, lack of confidence. Heck, do what you love. The rest is not worth thinking about.

I'm writing my memoirs in one of my blogs that nobody reads; I started them on blogger so my children would be reading along. Didn't happen. It disappointed me to no end.

However, I'm writing because I have a need to tell my story. Period.

So, write for yourself. Fulfill your own needs here.

Relyn said...

I think Lakeviewer is right - we write because we have a need to tell our story. And the beautiful thing is that when we choose to write on a blog, we have an audience. And we find out that we are not as alone as we have been feeling. And that. Oh, that is one of the greatest gifts, isn't it?

So spew away. What you will find here is admiration for your courage, a shoulder to cry one, and many, many listening ears. You are loved, my friend. Loved.

And talented. So talented.

Kamana said...

i hear you completely. i can so relate to this.

Wild Plum Cottage said...

I know this feeling too, and the judgement that finds its way from the inside out and back in again. I've learned that feelings of guilt and failure are sure signs I'm trying to take care of myself and not giving myself credit for knowing what's best in my own life.

I'm glad you're here, writing and taking pictures that please *you*.

lissa said...

I have those moments, I think everyone does, the doubts are very real and scary sometimes but I think most people will get through them and in the end, will know exactly how to get back on your feet. I hope that you will and from your latest post, I think you are getting there