day four...where are you now?

100 ideas by keri smith::number two:
Write a letter to yourself in the future.

last night
i made scalloped potatoes
for the very first time
and they turned out great....
i loved them, they reminded me of home...

then i went for a walk in the evening,
warm wind against my skin
leaves glittering in the puddles
illuminated by car lights
like shards of broken stained glass...

came home and stood still under a hot shower...
lit a candle
and wrote a letter to myself in the future.

here are some bits and pieces:

dear you (circa 2019)

it's me...(you...circa 2009). i wish i knew how
you were right now? i hope that you are well...
healthy and happy. i hope that you have been
taking care of yourself...i know how crappy your
eating habits can be and how you hate to exercise.
but i hope you have found a routine to keep you
healthy (and make you happy at the same time).

how are the kids? they must be growing...14 would be
what, 24 now? My God...how can that be? and ten?
now 20...i remember them at 10 and 14...ten so gangly
and falling all over the place, always in a rush to get
anywhere and everywhere. all about the star wars
and the lego and remember the 799 piece set you put
together for his b'day? still giving kisses on the forehead
though...still a cuddler...still your boy...

and 14...14 who you had kind of tough time with for
a little while...in a "growing apart" kind of way...
which was sad and hard and painful for you...do you
remember that? those times when it felt like you
just weren't connecting...

but lately, it feels like that is passing, like a mist or a fog
lifting. there are days that she still needs you...there
are days that provide glimpses of what your relationship
may be in the future...with inside jokes and teasing,
with sharing secrets and worries, with listening to
rants and just being there for her. not to speak,
not to make better, not to cuddle or give advice but
just to be there. you struggle with this...right now...
sometimes...you want to step in...you want to judge,
you want to parent, you want to help, you want to
protect and fix and kiss the booboos and make it all
better...but this is not always what she wants or needs.

...{parts about my husband i decided not to add here}

are you still taking pictures? still doing weddings?
remember how the summer of 2009 was your first
summer of weddings and how nervous you were
armed with only your canon rebel xsi and 2 lenses...
no extra battery pack...no decent camera case even...
just a grey backpack you jammed it all into.

i went for a walk and i thought about you tonight...
where are you now? did you ever publish that book
you carried around in your head? do you still eat a
fudgestick every night before bed? whatever happened
to that dream of building a studio?

do you ever think about me? i wonder sometimes
what you think when you look in the mirror...do you
ever see me? you are 49 now...on the cusp of 50.
does that bother you? i remember how you looked at
39 as a year of wonder...of choice...of possibility...of magic...
i hope you still feel the same way. i hope you have
crossed everything off your mondo beyondo grande list
of 2009 and have started a brand new list for 2019
stuffed full with wishes and dreams and hopes and goals
and plans...

at 39...you thought it was all still possible, it was all still
within your grasp...you beleived in throwing it out to
universe in hopes that the universe would hear and
toss a few things within your reach. this is good dream,
this is what makes you happy.

this is forward momentum.

i hope this finds you moving forward in happiness
and health...

love me...(circa 2009)

this is one my sesame street collections on top of my desk in my studio...
the second is on my computer desk...

{and as if this isn't already long enough...
but i HAVE to wish sesame street a happy 40th...
anyone who knows me, knows i love everything
about sesame street...sigh...i would live there
in a second.}