Monday, June 19, 2006

a day at the park

i'm thirty six.

i have friends.

i'm cool.

i'm smart.

i'm happily married with the two kids, the
husband i adore, the house (even if it is a fixer-upper)
and the dog (even if i own the dog only because i have to).

so.

why is it that the presence of one person
from my high school days
at the park today
could transport me back to
sudden insecurity,
(does my bandana look stupid? damn
i shouldn't have worn it...if i take it out
now will my hair look stupid?...damnit,
why did i wear these ugly flipflops from
zellers?)
discomfort, judging myself
and wondering if when their little
group gathered at the picnic table,
if they were talking about me
(remember her? remember she didn't have
a boyfriend until she was sixteen? remember
that time she wore those shorts? with those
shoes?)

sigh.

and then the second wave of anger
at myself as i walked home
(pushing a stupid looking stroller,
why couldn't it be a cooler looking one?)
kicking myself
at how i can let them do this to me
again...
let them eat away at my confidence...
make me doubt myself...

but its not them i'm mad at,
its myself.

i'm sure i was not the topic of conversation
at their picnic table.
and what happened to all my big talk
of being who you are regardless what
anyone thinks...
my big talk of not caring what anyone thinks.

bah.

maybe ten can give me a pep talk
when she gets home from school.
:)

16 comments:

DayByDay4-2Day said...

SOunds like you need to work out those resnemtnes. Holding on to them will only kill you from the inside out.

Go back to the first paragraph and stop before you get to the so part. Only rememebr the first part.

la vie en rose said...

oh girl i don't know a woman alive who when reading this won't know exactly what you're talking about. thanks for the honesty.

and hey...you're a part of the blogging cool crowd now!

Colorsonmymind said...

Ah- when I read the first lines of the post-I was like DAMN girl you got it so good. Then I read on and I felt the feelings you wrote about, because I know them all too well.

Isn't it amazing how self doubt can be so mean.

I think your awsome and cool, but who am I?

Hugs

krista said...

oh, painful.

That's one of the reasons I like living kind of far from my hometown. I hate moments like that.

Anyway, I think you are way cool. And my stroller is stupid looking too.

kerry said...

i feel so connected to your thoughts here... i have had to go back into my highschool 3 times this past week and the experience was more overwhelming and anxiety producing than i could have expected. i physically felt the discomfort of stepping back into that world that held so much confusion, awkwardness, and difficult interactions. thank you for sharing your experience in your blog, because it makes me feel less alone, and less silly.

Deb R said...

We all have moments when we feel like that...totally human but very frutstrating.

Of course you realize don't you that if they did talk about you after you left, they were probably saying how cool and smart and happy you seem and wondering if you were remembering all the awkward things they ever did years ago. Human nature!

mariannealice said...

hey, some of my best friends drive stupid looking prams......and honestly,some of those uber cool prams look so ...well....stupid!

Manica said...

Usually when I meet up with somebody from high school I'm like, "Dang, she got old looking. thank god I don't look like that. And she used to be all that in high school now she's just a fat bitter wife who hates her life and her husband."

hehehehehhbwwahhhahahaha

acumamakiki said...

I so relate to this and have a post in the queue on this very topic, feh.

African Kelli said...

Ay, I think you've just described us all after that run in with a high school mate. I applaud your honesty.

liz elayne said...

how i know that feeling. hate it. know it. trying to let it go.
listening to know more paul simon right now...trying to let more of my "stuff" go. yes, i know.
i think we are always a bit on the cusp of transporting back to the feelings of high school...because that is just how social situations are. hmmmm...we forget that sitting at our own table is the most important of all...

bb said...

These feelings come around in cycles don't they? If we're moving in the right direction with our lives, those feelings of insecurity tend to be smaller than the last time around, diminishing as we accept ourselves more and more. Now I'm off to practice what I preach ;-)

paris parfait said...

I agree with bb. But the truth is that you're probably doing much better than most of your classmates. I went to my tenth high school reunion and decided not to attend another, because it was depressing - so many people seemed stuck in time and hadn't changed. The most popular boy in school, who was expected to do really well had gone off the rails in college and wasn't doing well at all. So the important thing is to look at our lives now, not the way it was back then.

Bridget said...

I think you're doing so well. Please know that those feelings of being on the outside, well, everyone has those. I think this day caught you on a low after your brother's departure and the weather and everything else that goes on.

Some day soon they'll catch you on a high and you won't have a care in the world.

PS I love your garden.

XO, Bridge

Cheryl said...

I have felt this way.
A "cool" girl found me on the web with a photo of DH and I. The first thing she asked me was if I fixed my teeth.
That was 3 years ago.
I am wearing braces now.
Not really because of her, but because my crooked teeth were always the only thing I hated about myself.
And now that they are straight I wonder if I saw her if I would feel any different, or if I would still feel just not.quite.good.enough.

Cool Girl Rocks! said...

Darling, I was with you there! Right in that park!
Does my headband look stupid?!! Perfect!
I think that will be my new daily motto: My headband looks stupid but I DON'T CARE! And my hair looks STUPIDER and I still don't care.
You rock!