digging deep.

"Remember that in order to recover as an artist,
you must be willing to be a BAD artist."

"Give yourself permission to be a beginner."

These were very important words for me to read while
doing the first real chapter of the Artist's Way. I have
always thought of myself as having the potential to be
creative or artistic and was aware (and yet, always
surprised) that other people naturally saw me that way,
but have always been scared to actually do anything about
it.

I have always written. Diaries, journals, notebooks, scribblers,
scrap sheets of paper, the back of tests, napkins, paper
towel, back of grocery lists and on the receipts...i am
constantly writing something...lists, lines, poems,
lyrics, doodling, scribbling, rhyming, planning, scheming,
coping.

And yet, I have never done anything about it. Sure, I had
two poems printed in my university newspaper, but
don't they just accept anyone's? And yeah, I did get
15 out of 15 on the journal I was instructed to keep
for my Women's Studies class in university even
after the professor told us she never gives a full mark,
so not to expect one. But didn't she just do that to
soften up the "you might want to look into
professional help" remark she had noted on the side?

What do I want out of this course? Out of this book?
Out of this experience?
I want to uncover myself.
I want to be more like "me" again.
I want to be a force to be reckoned with...
I want to be me.

I had a little trouble with the "negative self talk
and where does it come from" part because I
honestly don't see/hear myself giving myself
negativity. Most of the time, I'm quite sure of
myself. But if that is the case, then what is holding
me back? There must be something.

Perhaps the answer lies within the questions
and the morning pages and the taking the time
to listen to myself closer.