are you there?

I'm sorry that I seem to be stuck on this subject.
I think that maybe I am again working through this
in a way. When I took my ECCE course, they
talked about grief and said that it was like an onion
because it has so many layers and that you are never
truly finished grieving, but rather, that every time
it hits you again, it hits you fresh and hard and true
all over again because you are at a different place
in your life.

I find when I start talking/thinking/writing about her,
then I can't stop for awhile. The dream that I had
was what spurred it this time. I often have dreams
where she is there and it is so real and I always know
in the dream that it is only going to be a short time
that I have with her and that then she has to go back.
Sometimes, she gives me things, like a red balloon.

But the strangest thing that has ever happened to
a cynical jaded person like myself is what happened
when I was in labor for my first child. This was 5 years
after the accident. R's little sister was supposed to
come in the delivery room with me. However, we
had complications and she couldn't come in. I had
always assumed that that was the reason she couldn't
come in.

A couple of years later, R's little sister and I were at
a small house party and having a few drinks. She
took me into the bedroom and told me the truth
about why she couldn't come in. I had a hard
labor and they gave me alot of drugs. I was
pretty messed up and don't remember very much
about any of it. My husband was in jail at the
time (that is a whole different story :)).

R's sister told me that my mother told her mother
that while I was in the delivery room and things
were at thier worst, I talked to R the whole time.
Like she was in the room. Like she was with me.
Like she was there.

I do not remember this at all. I was stunned.

I have done my share of "experimenting" with substances
after the accident and before meeting my husband.
I had never had anything like this happen before.
Was I just completely stressed out and high and
my subconscious was playing tricks on my head?
Or was there more to it than that?

I honestly don't know.

But I would like to think,
that it wasn't just in my head.
I would like to beleive.
I want to beleive.