well...i feel fucking ill

and i debated posting about this
because it was/is more personal then i really wanted this to be
but
phuc it

the house is coming along great
a little stressful but great...
our only problem was we didn't have a seam filler
and that was really going to slow us down
and then, yesterday,
lo and behold
a seam filler fell from the sky

however...
turns out our seam filler was introduced to us by our new neighbor
and he introduced himself to my husband as
"your wife's ex's younger half brother"
(which, i feel the need to point out HE IS NOT he was a wannabe for whatever reason
but he was NOT really related to him and this really holds no bearing on anything
it is just something that annoys the fuck out of me everytime i think about it)

small bit of history: i am now 35 and have been married for 5 years
we have been together for 10 years
when i was 16 i got my first boyfriend
and we got engaged on my 19th birthday
luckily, we lived together before we got married
and i got to find out what kind of a "sleeping with the enemy"
made-for-tv-afterschool-special preview my life would
have been had we gotten married so we broke up and
he made my life hell for a year after....

so...
the seam filler is/was one of ex's best friends
and i don't know why i feel so ill
i think it is the connections
bad connections
strong connections
crossed wires
bringing back memories for me
of what i used to be like
sad and pathetic
always apologizing
always making excuses
and i fucking HATE thinking of myself like that

anyhow...
to add to the mix
he was also there
the night my best friend
was killed in a car accident...
he hit on me
and then
he drove me home
when my mother called the party
and said she was dead
and i said that she was wrong
and i went home drunk
and without my shoes
to prove
that she
was wrong...

too many connections
and now
i feel ill
fucking dirty rotten bloody fucking fucking fucking hell