geek inc

breath in, breath out...

2011-12-04T17:39:00.001-04:00

this is a hectic time of year
for everyone i'm sure
but again this year,
i'm feeling particularly stressed
because not only is it Christmas
and i am
not
prepared...but it is also my
wedding-editing-crunch-time of year
and i am extra stressed...

add in 16 in Maritime Idol

{feel free to go vote for her...she'd really appreciate it!}

and responsibilities for the office party
and you get a bit of a time bomb waiting to blow.

so reading things like this
and this
and thinking about what my perfect playlist would be
makes me feel better,
makes me feel less
alone...

deep breaths...concentrate on the important things...
the little things,
the things that matter,
the things you can control.

let go of the rest.

1001 posts

2011-11-29T22:14:00.001-04:00

i have posted here
1001
times...
this blows my mind.

i have coming here,
to this page,
cutting open veins
and untying knots,
analyzing, compromising
promising, listing
loving and hating
wishing and missing
since
april 2005.

oh.
and have you seen this?

{speaking of wishing...}

sigh

til debt do us part...

2011-11-28T16:20:00.001-04:00

i am reading

til debt do us part

and was surprised by
some of the questions
she suggests you ask yourself...

things like
what matters to you
what to you want...what do you dream
what makes you happy
what is the one thing you feel defines who YOU are
who do you respect...and why
where do you wish you were in your life
what do you think the future holds

i spent about two hours on this on Saturday morning,
tucked up warm in bed
with a mug of sugary cinnamony tea
and thought about these questions.

i have been struggling to get to the page
{pretty obvious by the scarcity of my posts}
and want to get back in the saddle, back on track
get going again
and thought i might use this as a bit of
jumping point...
something that i can look back on
and hopefully
see how far i have come.

two posts in one day!!

2011-11-20T14:41:00.001-04:00

ok...

i know i already posted today but
my little girl is competing
on our own local maritime idol
and i am so proud
and wanted to share her video here...
if you like her, feel free to go vote for my girl...
i'd really really really really really appreciate it...

here is her video

but you can go here to vote!

Thanks so much...did i mention that i really really really appreciate it!?

today i am

2011-11-20T13:25:00.001-04:00

today... i am here...

today... i am breathing slowly
and breathing deeply
trying to find my way back
to me
again

today... i am slowly sipping
french vanilla black tea
with a handful of sugar
{quite literally, a handful}

today...i am giving feist a chance
and finding
that i like it

today...i am aware of the
leaves blowing outside my window
and that
although i know i should be
doing laundry
and getting groceries
my heart wants to stay in
this spot
by the window
daydreaming
about christmas crafts
and editing wedding photos
while listening to the
wind rattle
the window screens.

tuesday truths...

2011-11-15T23:05:00.000-04:00

i dropped my hand-me-down-already-cracked-can't-talk-on-it-can-only-text-on-it iphone and shattered the glass front
the cat knocked my husband's plate of food off the cupboard...on purpose.
i am settling into fall
i am nervous for 16...she is participating in a local version of american idol tomorrow night...i think my heart is pounding more erratically than hers...she is as cool as a cucumber.
i am loving this series...one episode left to go...i'm kind of sad to come to the end
but i have started this series...i think i'm hooked.

saturday truths and sharing

2011-11-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

it has been a good week
with some extra days off
and lots of wedding editing getting done.

i was going to come here on tuesday
and share some truths but
somehow i didn't get here until today
but i'm still going to share them...

* i have been feeling topsy turvy up and down again
balls in the air balls on the floor scittering scattering whirling
all over the place like the red orange yellow blur of crisp leaves
blowing outside my window in a gust of wind
settling for a moment
only to get blown up and away again...
i can't settle, i can't focus, i can't stay on the track
life keeps derailing me.

sometimes with bad things, aggravating things, sad things, frustrating things
but other days,
it is with good things...
an afternoon spent at a christmas craft fair with a longtime best friend...
finding video clips online that instantly incite strong moments of nostalgia and memory,
a spicy pumpkin scented candle,
this movie
this video which totally completely absolutely blew me away...

* i need to pick up the camera more.
i need to pick up the pen more.
i need to make time for me more.
i need to pay attention. i need to listen.
to me.
i need to pay attention and listen to me.
i think i have something to say.

if i could stop whirling around long enough to hear it.

5 really really good things on a monday...

2011-11-07T21:09:00.000-04:00

* smile lines...i realized today that i love them.

* lemon pepper

* bright sunshine through burnt orange leaves

* she and him christmas

* a long drive home that allows for conversations between
me and 16 that might have never happened...stories about teachers
and plans and futures and laughter...lots of laughter.

small things...

2011-11-05T14:03:00.001-03:00

16 asking me in the car which song it is
by damien rice
where he says why did you sing hallelujah...
she invariably teases me about my music
{she is all classic rock and punk...}
but i think i am slowly opening her mind
bit by edgy pink-hair-leather-jacket bit...

tiny cherry tomatoes...i am in love with
these tomatoes...so sweet and salty and juicy...
i ate the whole package myself...

the comforting sound of the heat kicking in...

12 sharing all of his halloween loot with his father and sister,
without even a grimace...

the promise of warm chocolate chip cookies later today...

eating egg and bacon english muffin sandwiches and talking
about our favorite christmas cartoons...and that the kids
automatically know which ones are mine...

silent sunday mornings

2011-10-23T08:41:00.000-03:00

i have come to the conclusion
that sleeping in
on the weekend
gives me a headache.

so
here i am
sunday morning
and the sky is still dark and gray
the house sleeps
while the cat
pitter pats beside me
curious and quiet.

my head is filled with
chocolate brown boots and legwarmers over skinny jeans,
red orange and yellow leaves,
wishing i had a french vanilla cappucino,
listening to the nature station
and thinking about liz elayne's words
regarding
creating space
and looking for ways to be present in one's own life....
and they resonate with me
this desire to be present,
to notice, to breathe, to accept...
to
slow
down.

i think i will make it a priority this week.

a boy turns 12...

2011-10-17T09:14:00.000-03:00

but he will argue that he is actually 13
and that is totally his mother's fault...
i have a habit of automatically saying
the next year
if you ask how old i am...

so right now i would say i'm 42
because...
i will be 42...
next september.

i kind of did the same thing with the kids
and now i have 12 completely messed up
arguing that he is actually 13
{which, i guess by my twisted theory, he actually would be...}
anyhow...

my boy turned 12 on saturday

hard for me to fathom...
he has a girlfriend named grace
and more cat scatches than i could count...
big brown eyes and a messy head of hair
always laughing and always talking
still always looking to his older sister for approval
the sweetest boy there will ever be.

happy birthday, 12...
i love you to pieces.

happy thanksgiving...

2011-10-09T20:53:00.000-03:00

grateful.

my husband and kids...happy healthy funny strong smart sweet one of a kind...
my job
my house, even in it's state of constant renovation and overgrown lawn
my camera...even though when i get to a wedding, i'm almost a little embarrassed to see
that so many people have the same camera {or a much more expensive one} and i have to
take a breath and remember why i'm there...
my little hyundai accent...good on gas and easy to park
internet connections {both literally and also the connections it allows me to make...}
my health
family that i love
a great place to live...nature is only a step away in any direction
the support that my little photography business has seen over the past couple of years

i know there is so much more
but i just wanted to jump on here for a moment
and make a quick list
before i head to the couch with a movie
in my hand and a cold glass of diet coke in the other
to spend the evening with my husband and kids
after an afternoon of turkey and pie
and lot of laughing with the rest of the family.

happy thanksgiving!!
:O)

musings

2011-10-02T19:00:00.001-03:00

sunday night
and i sit in the dim light of the computer screen
and wonder
what brings me here today...
why today
instead of yesterday
or the day before
or tomorrow even.

but today.

i went to writers workshop this morning
and left feeling
well
not as sure of myself anymore.
i left feeling vulnerable
and raw and irritable and
well...
a little broken inside.

i'm not sure what happened,
why this all came bubbling out like battery acid
but it did.
and i'm still feeling the slight but shaken after effects
leaving me angry and cold.

the girl giving the workshop was amazing,
don't get me wrong. it had nothing at all to do with the workshop
or the people in it or the material or the location...
it was me.

it was all me.

wondering why i do this.
why i put myself out there...
what am i looking for...what do i hope to acheive.

wondering
if i want to write,
then why don't i just
write.

what am i scared of.

5 minutes to lift off...

2011-09-21T06:54:00.001-03:00

6:47 am
almost time to run out the door
lunches in hand
and ready
to drive
into the rising sun.

5 minutes to write...
what do i want...what do i want.
i want to start coming back to the page...
any page
the blog, a journal, a scrapbook, a notebook
scribbling in the seconds that are left
before the next big thing begins.

it is two days to fall
and i am thinking of incorporating some of
mondo beyondo wishes
into one project
{although fresh in my mind is the august project
i signed up for and then only posted once...sigh}

but i'm thinking about it
and that has to say something, right?
{i have the want...i just need the time.}

it has been a long time...

2011-09-18T21:29:00.000-03:00

i cannot beleive how long it has been since i have been here....
summer went by in a blur of weddings
and birthdays
and anniversaries and a job promotion...
but i'm feeling good
about where we are going now...
16 has started a new school
commuting back and forth with me
instead of attending our local school
and i think it was a good choice...
a fresh start is always welcome.

speaking of fresh starts,
i start a new job tomorrow in the same office
but new workload...
i'm excited and nervous all at once...

the car has been cleaned out,
the computer space has been decluttered
laundry is getting caught up
and routines are being found

so far fall has been kind to me.
:)

August Break 2011- Day 2

2011-08-16T18:10:00.001-03:00

i realize i have no pictures loaded on the computer of her at 16 but that will be tomorrow's post :)

big weekend...
15 turned 16
in the blink of an eye.
wedding rehearsals and wedding days held
on the beach
sister-in-laws marrying new brother-in-laws into the family...
flowergirls playing in the sand
and 16 singing
in front of a crowd of family
in a pale yellow dress
and how hard it was to work the camera
while i cried
because she did such a good job
she was so beautiful up there
who is this
young
woman...
this interesting, funny, compelling and intriguing person...
so separate suddenly {yet so much still a part of me that it hurts...}
wow.
16.
you blow my mind
{with happiness}{and pride}...
i love you.

August Break 2011- Day 1

2011-08-11T07:04:00.000-03:00

now that i am fully-dead-head-on into wedding season
and the accompanying craziness that brings
i thought this
august break idea
would be perfect for me...
words or no words,
an image will suffice...
no hard and fast rules...
once a day or once a week or whenever the mood strikes you...
that's my kind of challenge for this month of shooting and editing and answering countless emails.

check it out...maybe you need an august break, too...

5 days

2011-07-28T17:49:00.000-03:00

i have the next 5 whole days ahead of me
all mine
free and clear
5 sweet days in a row...
and i am so looking forward to it...

other things i am loving right now
right here
in this moment, this second, this space...

the fact that 15 sat in the backseat of my car
with her friend
and when suicical tendencies came on
15's friend said..."your mom is not going to like this song"
and 15 said
"are you kidding me? this is my mom's cd! i wouldn't even
know about suicidal tendencies if mom hadn't shown me..."

heehee...for that moment, i felt cool.

reflection inflection detection connection...

2011-07-18T20:55:00.000-03:00

i am who i am
and i am ok with that...
i am vanilla scented candles and
extra strength tylenol.
i am cold pepsi poured in a muted green
diet coke mug made of heavy, thick glass.
i am friendly
but not social.
i am open to new ideas
but i hate small talk.
i am a worth adversary
but i am also a turtle...
a hermit when it comes to conflict.
i need time to think, to reason, to decide what to say and how to say it.
i am made up of many parts,
of shards of shiny things...
bits and baubles, paper and string.
i am a glass container of words and images,
filtered through my eyes
tasted on my skin
felt in the heat of my hands...
of my heart.
i am onion skin
{thin and easily hurt} and
elephant skin
{tough and resiliant and i never forget to hold a grudge}.
i am silence.
i am nervous energy.
i am withdrawl
and addiction.

i am vague
like the tiny wisps
of smoke
that fade away
from a
struck
match.

how is it...

2011-07-14T23:15:00.000-03:00

that it has been 20 years
since i have been in
high school
and yet,
it still manages
to break my heart.

i hate seeing her sad,
i hate seeing her sad,
i hate seeing her sad.

sunshine moments on a sunday...

2011-07-10T10:30:00.001-03:00

went out for drinks and munchies on friday night...sat on the upper deck, overlooking the water while sailboats cruised by and music played in the background...laughed a lot and felt reconnected and young again...
our annual summer parade was held on saturday in spite of the rain...11 came with me, 15 stayed home...we met up with my brother and his wife and kids and it was so much fun...i forget how much i like to be with people with the same sense of humor...we all had a good laugh as the float with jet plane on it {but missing a little forethought...and measuring} came down the street and everyone had to duck or run to get out of the way...
anticiaption of finally being able to read this book...i cannot wait...{and the trailer for the movie looks good, too}...and have this one as well...
an extra day tacked on to this weekend...in anticipation of sunshine and getting the house clean today...leaving tomorrow open to so many possibilities...beach, walks, photos, long drive, ice cream, meeting a friend for coffee, sleeping in, starting the coveted books, journal writing...sigh. the anticipation is almost as enjoyable as the day itself.

existence

2011-07-08T06:59:00.000-03:00

i am trying to come to the page more often,
i'm feeling like all the other chaos and upset and anxiety and stress
in the past 8 months or more
has stifled me has been choking me has been holding me back
and now
that i see the pressure starting to lift,
the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel,
i feel energized and full of words and plans and goals and spit and fire
and so i am going to try to come here first thing
every morning before my 45 minute trek to work
and just write happenstance,
just unload...expel...release...

i have missed this feeling.

weightless

2011-07-07T07:29:00.000-03:00

i feel as if a weight
has been lifted off me,
my ribs expand
i can breathe again

i inhale the release
summer brings
long days
sunshine shadows on the pavement
slushies and freezies and waffle cones dripping
down the length of my arm
and the
sweet smell of clover
and fresh cut hay
on my morning commute.

i can breathe again.

summer lovin'

2011-07-03T17:06:00.000-03:00

sweet summer heat
and a silent house...
this week has been a bit crazy
with a happy canada day
complete with fireworks
and a lost {and happily found & returned} i-phone
and sparklers catching our beach blanket aflame
{just a little, but enough to totally freak me out}
the rest of the weekend
spent napping
and de-cluttering
and attempting to placate a dog with hurt feelings
about the new kitten that has taken up residence
in his house
{and is allowed to go upstairs, where he has never been allowed}

i sit here now
at the tail end of a sunny sunday
wishing the weekend could be just little longer
wanting to savor it just a little bit more,
to wrap up the remnants like an all day sucker
to put in my pocket and save for days
like mondays...

empty

2011-06-24T23:59:00.000-03:00

lonely friday nights
spent wondering if i was wrong
to want
time
to myself...
now that i have it
i no longer know what to do with it...
dark house
meaningless tv droning in the background
my breath heavy
my footsteps echo

kamikaze

2011-06-22T20:42:00.001-03:00

my head is spinning
in all kinds of directions...
work, money, lack of money
bills, writing,
time
lack of time
connections
goals
walking
exercise
sunshine...running on empty
not enough sleep
trying to catch up on the shows i've missed
need a new cd to go in the new car...
photography...upcoming weddings...engagement photos next week
baby photos tonight
have to put the last family's photos on a disc and deliver
don't forget to charge the battery again
whose turn is it for dishes
what time do i have to pick up 11?
why are these jeans so tight...
yoga...breathing...slow it down...meditate
have to pay that fine
why are there never any groceries in this house
has it been that long since i wrote a blog post
broken lawnmower
last week of school
need a barbeque
where
do
i
start...
deep breaths...deep breaths...deep breaths

saturday seven

2011-06-11T17:45:00.001-03:00

7 things that caught my eye
made me gasp
smile
covet
made me wish i knew how to play a guitar
made me want to grab a pen...
made my mouth water
and my heart beast fast...

1. gorgeous red shoes how could not be happy in these shoes!

2. a blog that i have read for a long time, but i wanted to mention her again today...
because her wring and photography never fails to blow my mind!

3. and she also led me to number three...where i was mesmerized by her hands...

4. i can't wait to see this movie...even though george has never been a favorite of mine...but...i'm fickle.

5. and maybe i should make these to eat while watching the movie...mmmmm...caution..clicking on link will cause excessive mouth watering.

6. how could you not looooooooove this? the fact the one i clicked on was from say anything was the clincher...the second thing was that it involved many lego men...i'm hooked

7. and finally...my newest addiction...i know you have probably already seen this but i have been hooked in a major bad intravenous DT kinda way...so felt the need to share...and hook others...

and that's my saturday seven...hoping to be a regular feature here in geekland...should i ever get organized...here's to hoping.

poetry thursday...it's that time again

2011-06-09T20:32:00.000-03:00

i love that you
picked me
a handful
of lilacs
and put
them in a vase made from an old gatorade bottle
for me to find
in the dark of
the early morning
by scent
by smell
by sweet and heady
distant and sharp memory.

tuesday truths

2011-06-07T22:33:00.000-03:00

tonight
i am blurry
and quiet
silent inside
thoughts have to be pulled out of me
{they stick like warm taffy}
my bones hurt
and my brain
is tired
thick and heavy
shiny molten lead
so much going on
so little down time
running on emptiness
fumes that sputter sputter
stop.

tonight
i am more of me than i have been in a long time
dark walk down a lonely street
red stop light blinking in the fog beseechingly
telling me to pay attention...
this is your life...
pay attention.

tonight
i sat and listened as other people's visions...
impressions...
perceptions of me
were reflected back to me in story form
and all that was expected of me
was to accept this gift
and say thank you
and i was blown away by the mirror they held up...
the version of me that i would not have thought
other might see
always thinking i am seen as i see me in my own
memory/mind...quiet, shy, rule follower, safe.

tonight
cracked me open
a little bit
and left me wanting more.

poetry thursday...it's been a long time...

2011-06-02T20:23:00.000-03:00

the stars and the planets
they collide
in the midst of their organized
hullaballoo
i stand alone
i wait for you
security stolen
alone
bereft
i wait
alone
i stand
for you...

and when you see me
i light up like the sun.

back to blogland...

2011-05-28T22:25:00.000-03:00

yay!

we have the internet back!

i am exhausted...today was a headache in the morning,
writing morning pages at lunch,
quickly painting a sign in purple,
charging the camera, buying batteries for the external flash
in case the sun never came out...
getting lost on a dirt road,
photographing 13 very excited teens for their prom...
rushing home with wet feet from tramping around in rain soaked grass for two hours
to quickly get changed, drop the boys off at the pool
and get to the park in time for the next session...
then to get groceries
eat a little
edit a little
and now...yawning a lot...

i'm done out and it's only 10:03...
happy saturday!

Describe yourself...in this moment...in nouns...In three minutes...

2011-05-26T20:38:00.000-03:00

me in this very moment
car
iPad
Spring
bleeding heart
battery
dress
money
bills
tears
yellow
gray
mother
wife
cordouroy
horse track
dairy bar
daughter
bubbles
breath
waves
camera
scribbler
pens
books
quilt
candle

Listen here, life.

2011-05-21T14:37:00.000-03:00

I am trying.

I am trying to be upbeat and see the bright side
I really am.

But could you give me just a small break...

{and at the same time I am writing this, I am aware
Of all the good in my life...
I am healthy, my husband loves me,
I have two healthy happy sweet funny kind understanding kids...
I have a job I love, safety and security and a home....
I am not unaware...I am thankful and appreciative...}

{this post no longer
feels like it needs to be written.
I think I have been given many breaks....
Low on money, short of Internet and dead car batteries
no longer seem to be important enough to negotiate about
when I consider all that I do have...}

Never mind....I take it back...life is good.

creativity bootcamp...

2011-05-19T17:38:00.002-03:00

creativity bootcamp..., originally uploaded by gkgirl.

where have i been

what have i been doing

who am i now

compared to who i was yesterday,

a week ago,

two weeks ago...

a year ago

have i changed

am i new

am i improved

am i growing

am i ok with who i am

am i proud of who i am

maybe

yes.

i think i am.

i am sitting in a little cafe right now

typing in the corner

silent

as always

but full of words.

i have been doing the creativity bootcamp

borrowing internet when and where i can...

i am almost at the end of the natalie goldberg book

{am i repeating myself, i don't even know anymore...}

i will be sad to see it end {and if i have said that before,

it bears repeating...}

i apologize for the randomness of this...

i don't know when i will have computer access again

so i am trying to jam it all in to one rambling session of confession.

i did the page above after a prompt from the creativity bootcamp

to get messy, to get dirty, to get down and out and under the covers...

ok...i made that up, but it did say to get messy.

Lost connections....

2011-05-15T19:38:00.002-03:00

I haven't been here much lately
And I miss it....
We are without an Internet connection again
So I have to make due
With finding wireless where I can
And in my small town
This is no easy feat....

But I am here.

I have been reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down The Bones
And I
Am
In love.

I have been writing like a maniac.

And today was the beginning of the e-course I signed up for
Creativity Spring Bootcamp....
(you can find the link in my sidebar...
This is so much harder to do on my iPad!!)

Anyhow...this is where I am,
This is what my life is today...
It is good and hard
Up and slightly down
Exciting and pushing me out of my comfort zone
In many many ways....

mothers day and may...

2011-05-08T20:49:00.000-03:00

already the beginning of may...
where did april go?

i feel like i have been all over the place.

did i tell you that i went to children's writing workshop
and how absolutely fantastic it was!
i left feeling excited and inspired and full of ideas...
there was a lot of talk around the process of writing your piece
then going back through and marking "scenes"
then using those markers to create storyboards...
and i found that this made me feel really excited...
like i could picture it coming together.

i also went to another workshop this weekend on
writing to surprise yourself...
the basis of this was the use of prompts
{which i love} and different tools you can use when
you are just getting started or
feel stuck...
i came away from that one also excited and inspired...

other than that, the weekend has been busy
with family get togethers
and birthday partys
lots of card making
and going through old photo albums
and sharing lost stories...
meeting new relatives
and watching my kids interact on their own
so grown up, so capable...
ice cream and onion rings at the dairy bar
garden shopping and plant pruning...

things have been good, very very good...

and now i am looking forward to my first photo sessions of this season
as well as this e-course...i can't wait {squeal}
and to an upcoming workshop with this author
and a chance to meet this blogger...

may will be sweet, i can feel it in my bones.

wordless wednesday

2011-05-04T21:07:00.000-03:00

number 70 of my mondo beyondo grande life list....

2011-05-02T20:21:00.000-03:00

70. hear margaret atwood read.

and i have.
i have finally seen her in person,
in a beautiful theatre
with my best friend beside me
and gilt ceilings and
a boy/girl band of two playing tori amos-like piano
with smatterings of an accordian.

and it was as amazing as i had ever hoped.

she read from oryx and crake...
she was funny and witty and tiny and
it took my breath away when she came onstage
this woman whom i have identified with
so many times,
always wondering if its because she is canadian
or female or a little odd...or was it that combination of all
three that made me read so many lines and
say..."that is me...that is me right there...in those words...
in that line..."

one of my favorite lines of hers was
"she is on the edge of being drunk, she is bitter."
oh...how often i recognized myself in that sentence.

so hurray to diminutive whirlwind powerhouse voices
and hurray to crossing number 70
off my list...
:)

wordless wednesday

2011-04-27T07:11:00.000-03:00

no poem today...instead i am random and inconcise...

2011-04-25T22:16:00.001-03:00

easter is over
the long weekend done
back to work in the morning...

i am happy and quiet and full of solitude tonight
and tangible silence
{but wordy in my own head}
{if that makes sense}

{i feel like posting but i don't feel like talking}

i spent the day today just hanging with my 15 year old
bright and shiny girl...talking and napping and
giggling and sharing...and it was good.

the laundry didn't get done
and neither did the dishes
but i wouldn't have traded this afternoon
for any amount of money...

these small moments of
imperfect and unexpected connections...
these are the moments
that i guard and i steal and i hoard
like tiny bits of sweet sunshine
for the days that feel like the rain
will
never
ever
go
away
and i will never be warm again...

and then she surprises me
by leaning in close,
by lingering after supper to share stories,
by tickling and crawling into the bed
between her dad and me
to watch silly chocadooby videos on his iphone...

and i'm warm and happy and basking in her sunshine smile.

Disbelief...

2011-04-22T14:10:00.002-03:00

I did it.

I finally
actually
really
effing
did
it.

I
stood
up there
in front of a mic
in front of other people
in front of other writers
and
I read something
of
my
own.

out loud.

and it was so much fucking harder than i ever thought it would be.

but
I did it

and someday
I might even do it again

(and the best part?
that when I finished reading my first piece
a woman in the audience
called out
"more! more!")

Something of my own on a cold stormy spring night....

2011-04-20T20:55:00.000-03:00

the stars and planets
they collide
in the midst of their organized
hullabaloo
i stand alone
i wait for you
security stolen
alone
bereft
i stand alone
i wait for you...
and when you see me
i light up like the sun.

a favorite poem...

2011-04-18T20:39:00.002-03:00

a long time ago
i read a poem on liz elayne's blog
that has stuck with me
ever since.
the poet is thomas lux...

The People of the Other Village

hate the people of this village

and would nail our hats

to our heads for refusing in their presence to remove them

or staple our hands to our foreheads

for refusing to salute them

if we did not hurt them first: mail them packages of rats,

mix their flour at night with broken glass.

We do this, they do that.

They peel the larynx from one of our brothers’ throats.

We devein one of their sisters.

The quicksand pits they built were good.

Our amputation teams were better.

We trained some birds to steal their wheat.

They sent to us exploding ambassadors of peace.

They do this, we do that.

We canceled our sheep imports.

They no longer bought our blankets.

We mocked their greatest poet

and when that had no effect

we parodied the way they dance

which did cause pain, so they, in turn, said our God

was leprous, hairless.

We do this, they do that.

Ten thousand (10,000) years, ten thousand

(10,000) brutal, beautiful years.

i'm not sure what it is about this poem that draws me in...

the brutal beautiful language,

the short succinct sentences...

the haunting truth...

but i know it stuck with me

and that's when i know i love a poem...

when years later

i remember having read it

and go on a mad search trying to find it....

what about you?

have a favorite poem...

please share...

i'd love to hear it...

april 11 already...

2011-04-11T14:03:00.000-03:00

here it is
already the 11th of april...
and i feel that
although
i have not been here as much i had hoped
i have been crossing things off my poetry month plan...

i did put a poem on the fridge...i had a feeling when i wrote that
on my list
that it would be something by ee cummings...
i have always been in love with this poem...
i'm curious what the kids will say when they come home
{if they notice it all}
and depending on their reaction
i may add more

but even if they don't react
i like to be able to read it in my head while i'm searching
for the milk

poems in music and music in poems...

2011-04-05T21:56:00.000-03:00

when i was a kid
i was obsessed with song lyrics...
i would pore over the lyrics from every record liner
{prince 1999}{rick springfield}{micheal jackson}
{ratt}{motley crue}
and read and reread the lyrics from my cassette tapes
{bon jovi}{billy idol}{madonna}{more prince}
until they fell apart from use and abuse....

i would copy the lyrics over and over...i would cover my school notebooks
with snippets of songs and broken bits of favorite phrases...

this became a favorite song when i was little older...university actually...
but i fell in love with its words...with its angst...

to me, it was the perfect love song...

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Poems and poetry and words and rhythm...

2011-04-03T14:51:00.006-03:00

i am behind...but still want to play...
i completely forgot that april is national poetry month...
other years i have done napowrimo
and written/posted a poem a day (or at least gave it my best shot)
but this year
i want to do something different.

instead i have made up a list for myself
a list of 30 ways that i can fit poetry into my month of april
some were my own ideas but others were borrowed from here and here...
{lots of amazing ideas that could carry you through many months of poetry}

but here is my list for April...{not expecting to do specifically in this order}

~~read a poem out loud~~
~~put a poem on the fridge~~ {done april 11/11}
~~write out the song lyrics to a song i like~~ {done april 5/11}
pick a photo and write a poem
write a poem about your lunch
~~go to a poetry reading~~ {done april 7/11}
leave a poem in a random place
memorize a poem
illustrate a poem
~~listen to a poet read their own poetry (audio/podcast/youtube)~~ {done...ee cummings..}
put a poem in a letter {and mail it}
put a poem on the pavement in chalk
~~sign up for a poetry class or workshop~~
April 14 is Poem-in-a-Pocket day...carry a poem in your pocket, share it if you like...
~~look for poetry apps for the ipad~~
leave a poem in odd, random places in the house for the kids to find
read a book of poetry outside, in your car, in the bathtub, walking down the sidewalk
~~go to a bookstore and just look at random poetry books~~ {done april 7th...indigo}
invite people to trade their favorite poems by mail
write a poem using unexpected materials
read poetry makers-interviews with writers of children's poetry
~~start a poetry journal~~
read "how to read a poem"
turn a shopping list or to do list into a poem
get a poetry recommendation from someone else...read it with an open mind
make a list of your most loved poems
read up on poetic forms
visit an art museum for poetic inspiration
write a letter to a favorite poet
create and share a list of poetry ideas for the month of april..........DO THE LIST.

i would love it if you played along...share your list, share your poems...put yourself out of your comfort zone...

is it wrong...

2011-03-31T18:21:00.000-03:00

is it wrong that he just walked in the door
{and even after 16 years together}
i melted into a little throbbing puddle on the floor...
that black t shirt
and barely there beard {whisker scratches}
jeans that are threadbare and faded and worn
black baseball cap
worn backwards
just the way i like it...

those high cheekbones
and funny shy giggle when i told him
how i felt when i saw him come in

he said he had just taken off his
shiny-mirrored-aviator-reminds-me-of-a-seventies-cop
{in a good, good way}
sunglasses before he came in the door...

is it wrong
that after this long
he can still do this to me
butterflies and giggles
shy smiles and shared secrets...

it can't be wrong.
it feels too right.

5 posts away from 1000....

2011-03-22T08:18:00.000-03:00

where have i been since last thursday?

i have been ::
~listening to this cd and loving it
~getting up earlier to do some yoga and write a little
{hoping to make it a regular routine}
~happily watching the snow melt and looking for geese
~reading this book and not so sure about it yet
~taking pictures of marbles and shadows
~repurposing a hilroy scribbler into a new favorite list journal
~finally watching eat pray love and liking it {but not as much as the book}
~getting bangs cut
~trying to take photos of the "supermoon" and getting cursed at by our elderly next door neighbor
~trying on mascara for the first time in about ten years
{and liking the results}
~eating ham sandwiches with lots of mayo and mustard on thick garlicky bread

~planning, daydreaming and doodling...waiting and wishing for spring

poetry thursday

2011-03-17T06:31:00.000-03:00

toasted homemade bread
slathered with jam and butter
i sit on the edge of my seat
straining to hear...
waiting to see...
wondering in form
you would choose to appear to me...
would it be in the blur of bokeh
or a broken heart shaped rock found on the beach
will i hear it when it happens
will i notice
will i see...

tuesday truths...{the totally random edition}

2011-03-15T20:04:00.000-03:00

i like to hear my kids laugh
but i especially like
when something i have said
is cause for their laughter...
at 11 and 15, i have not been
"cool"
for a loooooong time...
so to make them laugh
feels like a bit of a victory
for me...

last night
i hijacked a picture 11 had drawn
of his usual call of duty army men
dressed in full regalia carrying arms...
and i wrote things like
"i just wish someone would give me a hug"
and
"i don't like to shoot people...it's not polite
that's why i use my rainbow raygun..."

my daughter is obsessed with horror movies.

i ate a perfect bologna sandwich today.

middle of March and I'm still doing resolutions?

2011-03-14T19:19:00.000-03:00

originally i wrote 8 resolutions in january
but then
i read the happiness project
and expanded on my initial resolutions
which now look like this:

1. to be healthier: eat, exercise: GOAL energy
2. to make more connections with like-minded people: GOAL happiness
3. to push myself out of my comfort zone more and in new ways: GOAL happiness
4. to read more and watch less tv: GOAL personal growth
5. to work on our debt: GOAL peace of mind
6. to enjoy more time with S & the kids (and friends and family): GOAL happiness
7. to move forward on my Mondo Beyondo list: GOAL personal growth
8. to cut out diet coke: GOAL health
9. to move forward in my career: GOAL peace of mind, security
10. to develop a rhythm to the photography business and alleviate stress: GOAL personal growth, peace of mind
11. to find the time, energy and resources to be creative every day: GOAL happiness
12. to make our house somewhere that we are happy to have people over: GOAL happiness

then the next thing that i want to do
is look at this and figure out
how i can move forward
on every front
a little bit at time,
looking for a concrete, measureable
manageable plan of action.

i think that if i looked carefully at each resolution
i could find a number of goals within
ie
to be healthier means to
eat better, keep a food diary, drink more water, walk more, etc...

and then, i want a resolution chart...
{i like charts...and checkmarks...and stickers!!}

i have been keeping a bit of a journal...along the lines of:
as of such&such a date, i have
done the following things to meet these specific resolutions...
and that has been working ok for me
but
i kind of like the idea of a chart...
i'm a geek of grand proportions,
what can i say?

friday i'm in love...with friday

2011-03-04T07:18:00.000-04:00

date nights with the cutest boy in the world...
sharing hickory chips and spicy ranch dressing
and holding hands
while the guy at the next table
accidentally
sets his menu on fire...

looking forward to a kid free night
and a house to ourselves
to do what we want
where we want
:)

sunshine and a good hair day

thick black tights and tall black boots

deep red lipstick and pale white skin

happy friday...
xo

tuesday truths

2011-03-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

* i hate taking my kids to the dentist
more than they hate going

*i am so ready for spring...

*i am a procrastinator...i am procrastinating right now.

*sometimes i think that i subconciously thwart our
financial recovery. i think deep down i have this fear
that if everything was ok with money, something else
would fall out of line...i'm used to worrying about money.

*i have been craving garlic...garlic bread, fresh salad,
onions...and it's only 7:10 am.

sunny sunday....

2011-02-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

after an {expected} internet break
it is refreshing to come back...
i have to say that at first, while i was gone,
i found it very hard to stay away...

but our whole family was on this internet break
and i have to say
i was surprised to see the way they handled it...
and how calm and creative they were...
we read more, watched movies together,
talked and definitely laughed...we spent two hours
one night helping eleven make the diorama project
that was due Tomorrow (as opposed to the two Months
that he thought he had to do it...sigh)
i wish i had taken photos of it though...it turned out really great.

but, at the same time, it is good to be back.

this weekend has been a perfect blend of
sunshine, apple pie baking, cookie making,
movie watching, pajama-clad-hair-in-pony-tails
internet surfing to fill my bucket of inspiration...
i even put on eleven's winter boots and trucked
out into the snowbanks to take some photos
that have been nagging at the back of my mind
for some time...

a sweet sunny snowy happy weekend...
hope you had the same (with the exception of the snow...
unless you want snow...cause we can share...we have lots!)

weekends...and why i love them...

2011-02-13T11:15:00.000-04:00

sunshine...and even though it is freezing outside,
it is toasty warm and bright in here...

sleeping in

staying in bed for two hours after waking
surfing on the ipad and ordering
camera charms and new books...

finishing this book, which i absolutely loved...
i have been out of the reading habit for a while
but since January, i have been getting back in my groove...
next in the queue...
this book that i am so excited about...

spending all day saturday watching movies
with 15 and S and occasionally 11...
benny and joon, i forgot how much i loved that house...

toast slathered with melted butter and jam

looking forward to yoga classes, poetry readings,
a valentines movie date and dinner out with friends
this week...

swimming upstream

2011-02-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

that's how i feel
that's how i've felt
for the past year...
like i am swimming upstream
against the current
fighting the wind
every now and then
gasping for air
gasping for breath
looking for a reprieve.

the good thing is
the swim is getting easier,
the breaths last longer
and give me strength...
and i am reassured in knowing
that, at least,
we are moving forward...
slowly but surely,
inches at a time
but i know it is only going to get easier,
we just have to bear down hard for this final piece

and then
maybe
we can relax....

It has taken a long time for words to find me...

2011-01-29T00:12:00.000-04:00

And I come to the virtual page
Empty handed
Waiting to be filled up
Waiting to be sucked dry
For my marrow to crack
Gleaned and broken
Tossed aside
To be revered later...
The bones on the fire
They don't burn...
They only twist and writhe
And wait...
While the moon makes a pass at the sun.

5 moments of truth...

2011-01-26T20:36:00.000-04:00

one.
i loved loved loved loved the poetry readings last week.
and no...i didn't read even though i carried a crumply folded up
into a square typed up poem in my pocket...it was far too soon.
but i am so glad that i went...it was inspiring and energizing and
and it made me realize that i don't always have to write the same
way...i might have some other styles i would like to try.

two.
i pushed myself out of my comfort zone besides just by going
to the readings....i talked to people, too.

three.
i forgot how much i like dragonlance books...especially by
these authors...

four.
i really really really want {and need} a snow day tomorrow...

five.
it's only 8:42...but i'm ready for bed.

thursday anticipation

2011-01-20T06:30:00.000-04:00

tonight i am taking a step,
i'm putting myself out there...

i'm meeting a friend
that i haven't seen in a long time
at a university
to go to a open mic/readings...
i'm not good when i don't know what to expect
and the option is there
to sign up,
to read your own stuff out loud...
which is on my list of things to do at some point in my life
but something tells me
not today....
the fact that i am going is enough for today...

i'll take that other step
another day.

baby steps.

Comebacks and resolutions...

2011-01-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

it is already the 15th of january
and i am just starting to feel like me again...
had a hacking cough and flu
for the past 3 weeks or so
which really knocked me down
but i'm starting to recognize me again...

i have been working on some resolutions
and feel good about what i have so far,
i feel like it encompasses many of the
aspects of my life that i feel have been
suffering over the past year
because...
let's face it
2010 was not my best year.

but 2011?
2011 still feels fresh and shiny and new
like a blank page
waiting for me to make my mark.

2011 Resolutions::

1. to be healthier-eat better, exercise, drink more water
{my goal this time: energy...i'm not focusing on weight}

2. to make more connections with like minded people,
in real life as well as in the internet world...to be more social

3. to push myself out of my comfort zone more often and in
new ways...

4. to read more and watch less mindless tv

5. to work on our debt

6. to enjoy more quality time, more present-in-the-moment time
with S. and the kids and my family and friends

7. to cut out Diet Coke

8. to make some progress on my Mondo Beyondo Grande list.

i feel good about this list and i feel good about my word
for 2011...which is going to be connect.
i feel that this embodies a lot of what i want to accomplish
this year, i have gotten too comfortable just being home...
i want to step out of that comfort zone...
there are many things on my Mondo Beyondo list
that are not going to get accomplished
if i don't start putting myself out there and making some connections.

Connect. As a verb. As a plan. As a step forward.

the dark called my name...

2010-12-29T06:35:00.000-04:00

whispering it into the rain...

and then...it was gone...

2010-12-27T17:26:00.001-04:00

in the blink of an eye
it feels like it's over
and i'm left reeling a little bit...
this year it seemed so sudden
so fast, so fleeting, so quick....
other years, i have wanted to slow down
and savor the season
but this year,
this year,
i hate to say...i powered through it.
did all my shopping in one condensed trip
set my alarm for 5 am and did the wrapping...
no meat pies this year
didn't even see the grinch...

but the funny thing is
the look on their faces
when i got the routine backwards Christmas morning
and wanted them to open their Santa presents
before their stockings
was priceless...and how they automatically corrected me
at 11 and 15...no...stockings first...as much as we want to see
what is in these Santa presents that you are so excited to see us open...

and in the end...
they were happy.
and
that
is
all that
matters
to me.

and i breathe a sigh of relief that 2010 is almost over.
and i hold tight in my fist my wishes for 2011 to be an easier year...
i know it's not going to happen on it's own...
i know i have work to do to make it happen...
i am just really looking forward to that fresh start of a new year.
i am really
just
looking
forward.

december views {9}

2010-12-20T19:51:00.001-04:00

december views {8}

2010-12-16T06:52:00.000-04:00

december views {7}

2010-12-15T06:16:00.001-04:00

December 15...
here i am...
things are getting better here...
changes are being made, changes are being witnessed.
there is a little more laughter
a little less stress...
big decisions have been made and will be acted on...
little issues have been let go.
i'm feeling good on a go-forward basis.

i'm looking forward to 2011.
2010 has been a hard, hard year.

but we have learned some things,
some very painful things,
that i think will help us have a better year in 2011.

today i choose the half full glass.

december views {6}

2010-12-07T06:37:00.001-04:00

december views {5}

2010-12-06T06:24:00.001-04:00

december views {4}

2010-12-05T13:45:00.001-04:00

december views {3}

2010-12-03T06:29:00.001-04:00

december views {2}

2010-12-02T06:07:00.001-04:00

dec 1

2010-12-01T06:01:00.000-04:00

well...that was a rather dismal attempt at
writing a post every day for the month of november
but i'm not going to beat myself up about it...
until i get caught up from the weddings i shot
this summer and get all the photos done
that people want for christmas,
i just have to come to terms with the fact
that i may not be able to get here as much.

somethings gotta give
every now and then
and right now...it's this...
but i will be back on track eventually...

so my next planned attempt...
december views
check it out...

starting......NOW!!

vindication

2010-11-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

everyone tries to vindicate themselves
searching for validation
proof that
they
are here...
proof of existence
of survival
of truth
and hair, teeth, bone, memory
density to a different degree...

this is where i am today.

searching for my own truth
my own proof
my reason for remaining
trying to fit my story
into the pieces and patterns of yours...

Focus. focus. Focus. foCus. FOcus.

2010-11-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

at shutter sisters, the word for november is focus.

and that made me think.
and think.
and think.
what is my focus?
right now.
today
this month
this week
this year

what is my focus.

somedays
i don't feel focus...
i can't.
instead
my life feels like i am looking through
a kaleidoscope
all shattered scattered pieces
spinning round and round

and i am just trying to keep
the pieces in balance,
i'm just trying to make the picture
pretty...

it's not a bad thing...

i kind of like kaleidoscopes...

time change and monday mornings...

2010-11-08T06:31:00.000-04:00

i had a fantastic weekend.

i feel rejuvenated today,
i feel calm
and centered.

Groceries were bought, a chicken roasted...
conversations held and hugs given,
"i love you"s both offered and returned...
laundry is caught up, bedrooms are tidy
editing of photos moving forward at a good pace...
the video was finished and received plenty of
great feedback...
i'm happy today...really really happy.

a day behind already...heeheehee

2010-11-07T12:34:00.000-04:00

it's a good thing i am not a perfectionist...
i'm already a day behind...

but mainly because
yesterday
i felt the uncontrollable need
to do a wedding video
for one of the weddings i did this summer...

this song has just been gnawing at me...
use me, use me, use me...i'm so good...just use me...
so...here it is...
it was my first time, so a bit of a learning curve...
there are things i would do differently, i think, if i was doing it again...
for example, i used mostly the shots from the formal shots
but now that i think about it, i wish i would have used some
from the "dance" as well...
but here it is...

friday i'm in love...

2010-11-05T21:15:00.000-03:00

warm wind and rain...pelting against the windows
warm house, good book, hot chocolate
soft couch, cinnamon candles

corn chowder for supper

still with the damien rice,
still obsessing over delicate
still getting chills each time i hear the first chords
of blowers daughter ...

Eleven putting on his "gaming" clothes
and telling us about how other people
just wear random clothes to play video games
but that he prefers to put on his specific gaming clothes.

the fact that Eleven's new favorite word
is whatnot.
he adds it to almost every sentence, somehow...

a new sense of calm,
of treaty
of tentative peace...
i'm not sure how long it will last
but i will take her hugs
and sporadic stories of dances
and teachers and b movies
while i can get them...

nablopomo...its that time again...

2010-11-04T06:19:00.000-03:00

i just realized on tuesday that it is november
which means nablopomo
{just as i also happened to realize that i had posted
twice
in one day
and thought
you know what?
maybe this is just what i need
to get me going again.}

so welcome to nablopomo
where i will commit
to coming to the page
once a day
every day
for the month of november.

i can't promise that it will always
be happy
or even interesting
but it will be here
i will be here
making an attempt

letting it go
spilling it a little
seeing what happens.

fifteen

2010-11-02T21:13:00.000-03:00

we dance
you and i
one step forward
two steps back
you engage
i retreat
you stumble clumsily
i tromp on painfully with both feet...
going where no mom wants to be

somedays
we just have different beats.

but sometimes...
sweet sometimes...
we catch the same song
sometimes,
sweet sometimes,
i catch you humming along...

tuesday truths...

2010-11-02T06:40:00.001-03:00

i am feeling much lighter
after that painful post...
and thank you for your comments
and for taking the time to email...
knowing you are not alone
makes things seem much more bearable.

my truths today::

i can't wait for january...to set the photography business
aside for a few months and catch my breath, to have some
time to just sit and focus on restocking myself with ideas and
inspiration...to read and write and draw and just surf the net...

and really...i think that's it.
i gave away so much of myself in the last post...
and really, this one kernel of truth
about my longing for january
feels much bigger
than it looks
in print.

it feels tangible...like i want to keep it in my pocket
and take out the idea of january
whenever i feel stressed and deadlined and
so. far. behind.

maybe i will...
maybe i will put it in my pocket.

it's no secret...but there is a revelation

2010-10-30T10:09:00.000-03:00

i don't think it's been a secret that i've been
struggling
a little lately

with family issues
with money issues
doubting myself in so many
arenas
of my life...
professionally
as a mother
as a wife
as a daughter
as a photographer
as a friend
as a person
as an artist
as a writer
as a blogger

i'm not sure what i am going through.

somedays it feels like adolescence
all
over
again.

i'm not sure who i am
i'm not sure where i'm going
i feel like every day i'm putting on a new face
and wondering
is this me? is this who i am.
is that what i represent?
is this where i'm going?

i feel like i am on a roller coaster of emotion
and for the first time in my life
the lows have been
extremely fucking low.
low like i don't think i can get out of bed.
low like the feeling of suffocation.
and i can't breathe.
and disconnect.
like i just don't want to think anymore.
like i just can't think anymore.
like i just don't want to care anymore.

yesterday felt like a turning point for me.

a culmination of rotten-ess eventually saw me
running up the stairs in tears an hour before my son's
birthday party feeling like a failure feeling like i suck as a mom
and throwing myself on my bed in hot angry uncontrollable tears
and then bursting into tears on the way to walmart
and again at the checkout.

but then.
the revelation.
which came when my brother and his wife got here
and one of my best childhood friends
and as the party went on
i realized
it didn't matter.

i realized that when i let go of the picture in my head
of how the party should be
when i let go of all the reasons it couldn't be the party
my mind thought it should be
when i let go of thinking of how other people might think
the party should be
and just let the kids, namely eleven...direct the party...
it would be ok.
there were balloons and noise and music and utter chaos
but
there was laughter.
so much laughter...and conversations shouted out above
the balloon warfare...and stories told...and chocolate cake.

and i realize now
that i have to let go a little.
that i am killing myself with my own expectations of myself.
that i am suffocating myself.
i am doing this.
no one else is doing it to me.
i am doing it.

so today.
saturday october 30 2010
i am making a pact with myself
to ease up.
to let go.
to laugh a little more
and stress a lot less.

{and if you have made it through this long post to
the end, i am wondering if anyone else has felt this way at 40?
is this what mid life crisis is?
i would love to hear from anyone that might
recognize themselves in this...
if only to justify my own behavior to myself
and know that i am not losing my mind.}

9 things i have done this week

2010-10-29T06:47:00.000-03:00

-listened to damien rice over and over...at the computer, in the car
specifically blower's daughter and delicate...i am entranced.

-took a handful of smurfs, ninjas, a small ice cream cone and
a dinosaur to the park for a photo shoot

-planned an impromptu birthday party

-dealt with the meeting of a new boyfriend for 15

-dealt the subsequent break up

-saw the most amazing sunrise yesterday...full on hot pink whole sky
breath taking mind numbing trees a black sillhouette on the horizon

-ate fruit loops and watched it's the great pumpkin charlie brown

-wondered why it feels like there is always one ball on the floor,
why can't i keep them all in the air at the same time....

-recieved the most happiest of mail last night...my BOOK
from liz....i can't wait to tear into it, to sink into it, to lose
myself in it...but first, i'll make myself wait until the moment
is. just. right.

write it down, make it happen

2010-10-18T21:43:00.000-03:00

so about a month ago,
i found a book in the bookstore.

it grabbed my attention right away...
it was called "write it down, make it happen"...
i wanted it but it was hardcover...
and yet...only 12.95

i brought it up to the counter,
pretty sure the price was wrong,
pretty sure i was going to be putting it back...

but no.
12.95.
it came home with me.

and i have been intrigued with it ever since.
each chapter focuses on different exercises for
writing it down
to get what you want.

one of the chapters talks about creating a group
a network, a buddy system, a team...
for support and for accountability.

and i love this idea.
anyone interested in teaming up...
in sharing goals...in providing a little pep talk every now and then...

the idea is to find someone who also has goals and ideas and plans...
and then to tell each other
this is what i want to do
this is how i am going to do it
this is when...
and to hold each other to it...

i was thinking of a weekly email
or possibly a blog...
i'm just throwing it out there
to see what comes back...

let me know what you think...

and then...there are days...

2010-10-14T20:13:00.000-03:00

there are days
when you just don't feel like your
heart
can take any more...

and yet
it feels empty.

it is void
numb
null
useless
and yet
deceptively
full...
{of echoes}

and then there are days
where you just feel like giving up
like giving in
like throwing your hands up in the air
like relentless guilt
like wallowing despair.

and all you can do is
pick
yourself up off the floor
and dust
yourself off...

prop yourself up for another round.

days like today.

sunday night giving thanks...

2010-10-10T23:40:00.000-03:00

Happy Thanksgiving {if it is Thanksgiving
in your neck of the woods
like it is here...}

I have spent this weekend trying to get caught up
on editing photos from this summer's weddings...
I feel like I did get a lot accomplished
but still have a long ways to go before I hit the end...
and the funny thing is
I just keep picking up more sessions as the days go on
even though I thought I would be done by now...

I feel I have much to be thankful for and since I have been planning
on starting a weekly "list of 40"
I think I will start with 40 things I am thankful for:

1. my husband {who is sweet and funny and supportive}
2. my kids {who I adore...they make me laugh and make me proud}
3. my health
4. the health of my family, both immediate and extended
5. old friends that I have had since elementary school
6. new friends made
7. my job...my full time every day of the week job...which I love
8. my second job...the photography business...which i also love
9. knowing that I live in freedom and safety and knowing that is not something
that I should take for granted, knowing that there are many who don't have that...
10. my camera, which has opened up a whole new world for me
11. this blog, which actually cracked open that whole new world even before the camera
12. cold diet coke in a can
13. my kia sportage which has worked well for me for a good price
14. internet connection
15. good food
16. security
17. a good sense of humor
18. the way my husband can always talk me off the ledge
19. positive feedback from friends and strangers on my photos
20. mike and ikes
21. caramel apples
22. damien rice (especially the song delicate)
23. that 15's panic attacks seem to be subsiding a little
24. that 15 spent the night at a friends' house last night...the first time in about 3 years...
25. brie cheese melted in a grilled cheese sandwich with ham
26. weekly phone calls with my mom
27. greys anatomy
28. my ipad
29. 10's excitement about his upcoming birthday
30. 10's sweetness when playing with the kids next door...he is so good with the younger kids
31. my external hard drive
32. presets
33. how today 10 suggested that I "relax for a bit from pictures and watch the Roadrunner with him" and how when I did he snuggled in beside me on the couch, his head on my shoulder...
34. crunchy fall leaves
35. the smell of woodsmoke
36. the sunrises i have been able to see lately when i leave for work
37. clarity
38. my relationship with my husband and kids...open, honest, respectful
39. lightroom
40. blog friends that feel like old friends to me now, after 5 years of following their lives and dreams and hopes and trials and successes...

and now...I am off to bed...tomorrow brings turkey and family and mayhem and giggles...
and I can't wait...
:O)

concise...

2010-10-06T06:45:00.000-03:00

tuesday truths on a wednesday?

money sucks. not having money sucks even more.

debt sucks.

worry sucks.

fear sucks.

blue rodeo on the radio, bare feet out the window
cold diet coke in a can,
your kids running to the car to meet you even though
they are now 15 and almost 11,
your husband talking you down from your debt-fear-money-panicky-ledge...
these are good things...they make the bad less signifigant.

{and yes...i said concise...i did not say eloquent...heehee}

friday i'm love....

2010-10-01T06:41:00.000-03:00

~with the kids having a no school day...which means
no lunches and early morning panic mode for me...

~with the warm temperatures we are having but the cool
wind accompanying it

~with this new show...it kills me...kills me.

~with accidentally wearing bright blue shoes with a pink
skirt and being told by random people that i can "pull it off",
that they didn't think twice about it, they thought i was just
be "eclectic" and "artistic"....heehee

~with the smell of woodsmoke in the air and how ten went
around last night trying to inhale "halloween"...

time is passing...

2010-09-30T06:49:00.000-03:00

i feel time is flying by
and each day,
i find it harder and harder to get here.

i thought that when the weddings were done,
i would have time...
i thought that when the kids were back in school,
i would have time...
i thought that when the house was clean,
i would have time...

but the truth has just occured to me.

i need to make the time.

little bits of happiness on wednesday morning...

2010-09-15T06:42:00.001-03:00

~a feeling of accomplishment, of energy, of getting things done...

~the new issue of Artful Blogging which i have been savoring and only
reading in snippets to make it's sweetness last just a little bit longer...

~the alice in wonderland soundtrack on the drive to and from work...
love that cd!

~sunset through rain clouds

~pre-ordering this book...now the sweet anticipation of waiting for it's arrival

12 years ago today...

2010-09-12T22:58:00.000-03:00

12 years ago today
i stood before you
and promised you the rest of my life.

and i would not change a thing about it...

40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40. forty. 40

2010-09-08T06:43:00.000-03:00

first day of school (high school for my new pink haired punk princess} and grade six for her sweet as sugar l'il brother...

so
this is it.

my 40th birthday.
september 8, 2010.
40 years old.

to be honest,
i'm not sure how i feel about it yet.

i think i have written and blogged and talked
and listed and facebooked and analyzed and thought
for so long about turning 40
that now that i am {40}
i am not sure how to feel...

remember i wrote that post a few weeks ago
about thinking life would be different at this stage of my life,
how i thought life would be easier...
and it's not.

well...i'm trying to switch my focus.
so we still owe money.
so the house still needs work.
what has happened? what can i say i have achieved?
what has made me happy?

16 years together with my husband {12 years married later this week}
2 amazingly interesting thoughtful funny eccentric children
we bought a house
my current job which i hope to stay in for a long time
my family, so supportive and funny and sweet
friends from elementary school that really, really know me
new friends made
a photography show
making a go at the photography business and having my 2nd
successful summer of weddings
going to writers workshops, putting myself out there
being interview for a full page in a local paper
getting my driver's license, driving long distances in winter!
surviving going off the road 3 times last winter
blogging for over 5 years now

i'm happy...i really am.
this is my year to focus on what is good in my life
as it becomes aware to me
that everything/one that is good in my life
may not always be here
and i need to grab the moments i can...right now...
and i need to live my life...right now.
no more waiting for the right moment.

i need to start diving in.

so happy 40th birthday to me.
i'm curious to see what the year will bring.

the weekend is over

2010-08-30T06:26:00.001-03:00

3 happy things realized on a monday morning 6 am

finding out totally by accident while shooting a wedding that the
flash that you have been using for the past 6 months
and the same flash you just finished complaining about
actually does have a tilt option to it...
you just didn't know it...
and being so excited by this that you grab
a guest at the wedding and share your newfound discovery
with her and she is sweet enough to pretend to care

how much you missed just hanging out with family
after spending the day your parents and having your father
tell you and your sister in law a story about their last trip
and the backyard of the place they were staying that had a pool
and a gazooki? as your father can't remember what it's called
and you assume he means gazebo
but when you ask your mom about the gazooki?
she says
oh yeah....the hot tub.

what.
the hot tub?
{later you realize he meant jacuzzi all along}

money doesn't matter as much as good health does.

A play break...

2010-08-13T13:38:00.000-03:00

This summer is passing me by....
I am missing it.
Work, photo sessions, weddings, editing, commuting...
I'm missing summer.

So I think that i am going to take a cue
From madeline bea
This weekend
And make this weekend
All about
Fun.

Maybe movie at a theatre....
Ice cream eaten outside....
Supper on a restaurant deck with my sister in laws....
Watching for fireflies and shooting stars....
This weekend
I am letting go.

And having fun.

Want to join me?

Today's five minutes....

2010-08-11T13:04:00.000-03:00

and today, I feel so much better.

I was going to stop by here to apologize for
yesterday's sad and lonely breakdown
but now that I think about it,
I'm glad I talked about it here yesterday...
maybe it was just the release I needed.

So today
even though I was up all night with a power outage
and a freaked out 10 year old
and today is rainy and dark
and I feel a headache coming on,
I still feel better.

Thanks for you comments and emails...
It reminds me why I keep coming back to this page...
Xo

Five minute thoughts at the end of my lunch break....

2010-08-10T13:02:00.000-03:00

I thought that as I got closer to 40
things were going to get easier.

I thought I was going to be self assured and confident
strikingly indifferent to what other people thought of me....
I thought that worry and stress and anxiety attacks
were going to melt into my thirtysomething past.

But
I was wrong.

Money is tight, work is uncertain,
14 going on 15 has developed an anxiety issue
so large we have been seeing someone
and had to medicate her...
I don't know what to do anymore...
I am not sure of any choices/decisions/thoughts that I have...

I am second guessing the credibility of my photography...
Second guessing my positioning, my editing, no longer trusting my own opinion of what looks good.

I spend the day feeling like sham,
A wisp of an impression that could blow away
on a breath of wind....
That could topple any second
Silently as a house of cards.

Before eight a.m.....a list

2010-08-09T13:42:00.000-03:00

three things that made me smile before 8 am this morning....

a flock of tiny birds flying in a group
dipping and diving
in unison across the highway
and through the fields...

curling into the warmth and safety of S.
after hitting the snooze button
just one more time...

the tiny mouse that ran out onto the highway
as I drove to work this morning
and how I thought I hit him
but when I looked into the rearview mirror
I could see him skitter away...

tuesday truths

2010-08-03T13:18:00.000-03:00

It's tuesday afternoon
and I'm on my lunch
doing what I often do
(being the anti social dweeb that I am)....

I'm sitting in my car with the windows down
reading blogs on the iPad
And listening to blue rodeo
drinking a cold can of diet coke
With my bare feet stuck out the window....

Today i feel re-energized and ready to make
Some much needed changes...
A meal plan
More water
A better routine for the kids...
Much more time for creativity...
That kind of thing...

And I long to come to here...back to the blog, the page, the words
The recollection of my days in digital type....

where have i been?

2010-07-26T07:25:00.000-03:00

it has been a long time.

what have i been doing?
where have i been?

shooting a wedding...and a family...and 3 best friends
on a beach...
working...planning a new idea for a photo show...
revamping the website...
listening to new music...
barbequing...sitting on park benchs trying to meditate...
and mostly
playing
with
my new toy...

seriously?
i'm in love.

30 second posts

2010-07-08T05:51:00.000-03:00

i'm up but not awake,
not fully
not completely...
last night
words came to me
just as i was falling asleep
but now they are vague
and out of my reach...
i was the orator
the speaker
the teller
with nothing to accept....

but what does that mean?

happy Canada Day...a little late!!

2010-07-05T06:06:00.001-03:00

the past four days have been awesomely exhausting...
we have:
spent a full day preparing for and enjoying Canada Day festivities,
torn apart, switched and painted two bedrooms,
got 14's tongue pierced,
attended a family barbeque,
did a photo session at the beach and by a graffiti wall,
ate fast food way too much,
drew maple leafs in marker on 14's eyelids,
made family cds for the long drives,
slept restlessly in new rooms,
tripped over books and clothes stacked in the hallway,
chilled on the couch eating creamsicles,
laughed hard and loud and at inappropriate times...

it was a great weekend...
and now we are back to monday
and i wish i could take a little of this past weekend
and keep it in my pocket
so i could take it out every now and then
and be there again...

Happy Canada Day
{and Happy 4th, too!!}

tuesday, tuesday...

2010-06-29T06:24:00.000-03:00

5 really good things right off the top of my head
{a tribute to liz elayne}...

1. an impromptu shopping spree

2. a poem surprisingly shared with me by 14
and being blown away by her turns of phrase...

3. panko brie chicken with garlicky ceaser salad and
my adorable sweet husband to share it with...

4. a short week to look forward to

5. how cute ten looks with his surfer shaggy hair cut
and muscle shirt with his dad's hemp necklace...

mmmmm...i love good things.